The Greatest Pain

The greatest pain I’ve ever experienced is the type that stems from witnessing someone else suffer and having absolutely no ability to change it for them.

Of course I don’t always remember that there is nothing I can do. Well, the idea that there is nothing I can do is false. I can witness and validate a person’s feelings; but honestly, that isn’t enough for my lil s self that wants to or needs to fix. With lil s comes an amazing forgettor. I can be in complete understanding and have full knowledge that there is nothing I can do to relieve a person’s personal pain – but 1/2 second later I hear the words coming out of my mouth. Things like – people love you, you are amazing, you look great, no one thinks that about you. It never works and I usually get aggrivation that the person who is sharing their suffering with me isn’t feeling better and smiling. Omg – how selfish of me. I might as well just say – hey your feelings are wrong and I know better how your life is so listen to me.

I do know that I can’t take someone’s pain away so why do I try so hard – um yeah – because I don’t like how it makes me feel. Oh boy you have to love that selfishness. I’m uncomfortable so can you please speed up your misery and go back to your smiley face.

I usually realize what I’m doing right about the time I notice my loved one seems to be suffering a lil more because now I’m dumping fix it one liners at them so they can’t cry and may or may not now feel responsible for my feelings on top of theirs. So not the result I was looking for.

I am trying to allow people in my life to have their feelings but it isn’t easy. My big S can deal with it all day long, but lil s needs some serious coaxing to walk through the fear ( in this case sadness/ helplessness) and allow the feelings to be processed.

So today I’m not going to try to fix. It isn’t easy but I’ll walk through the presents of my loved ones pain one baby step at a time.


On the Outside

This past weekend I had the awesome pleasure of traveling with my hockey team to a tournament.  I haven’t played with them in a while and I was nervous about fitting in and being a part of.  I quit drinking and my team well most hockey teams love to drink – LOL. I certainly did. I wasn’t sure if they would think I was fun at an away tournament because most of the focus is usually on where are we going to eat and drink heavily (did I mention that I am also a plant based eater).  So I didn’t’ consider myself a part of because of the food and drink.  I wanted so badly to feel like a part of the team and while I was having a blast all weekend I kept realizing how different I felt – I couldn’t chat about how drunk I was after the last game or how drunk I was going to get after the current one – all I could talk to my team about was hockey and why on earth would I want to talk to my team about hockey.

Well on Sunday I was talking with my partner and she said to me you are a part of you are a part of the hockey team; you have so much more in relationship to the team than the drinking. She pointed out how everyone on my team has treated me since I stopped drinking and how they keep trying to include me.  It dawned on me – FEAR was keeping me from allowing myself to feel a part of.  I was afraid of what they thought of me, that they thought I wasn’t fun and various other things – this fear is what I saw the team with and all of our interactions.

I decided to look at my interactions with them in a different way as if they didn’t drink just to see if my vision was as distorted as I thought.  It was – omg it is amazing how powerful fear and the mind are.  I actually saw myself as not a part of and then acted in accordance with it.  My team made it to the championship game on Sunday and this was my last opportunity to feel a part of and accept the teams acceptance of me.  How would I do this? Simply, by being a part of a and acting as if I believe I was and not making separate making statements – talking hockey and friendship and all the things I love about my team.  I walked through the fear or at first saw through it and had a great time. I wasn’t rejected or shamed or anything – I was accepted in love.

As I write this -what comes to mind is Be the Change You want to See in Others – maybe that has more to do with our vision than their behavior. Peace and love my friends.

Lessons in Less Than Perfect

I feel called to hold workshops, write, and work one on one to help others walk through fear into love and to live a life of their dreams! I scheduled my first workshop about a month ago and I was amazed at how little fear I experienced leading up to the date of the workshop. A friend scheduled and hosted the workshop for me. I had no fear of other people’s opinions at the early stages of planning and I said invite whomever. Well I have to admit I hadn’t held the workshop previously because of fear – fear that no one would show, fear that people would question my ability to share anything of value and fear of having people in my home. So when this friend offered to host it and do the inviting – I was relieved of two fears immediately and the third was diminished because if she and another friend were telling people to come people might think I had something to share because my two friends believed it.

So the day of the workshop arrived and I still had minimal fear – then the moment of the workshop arrived and all guests were snacking and chatting. Enter Little s !!! OMG Little s my other word for ego/fear self started the talking. First it said look at all the fun everyone is having socializing, then it went to they would rather socialize than do your workshop to OMG I can’t do a workshop. An hour after the known workshop start time someone says hey are we going to do the workshop? Having convinced myself they didn’t want to do the workshop – I said oh you guys want to do it? A resounding yes! Great – I kilter and nervous so I did my intro and then asked everyone to introduce themselves – forgetting my leading questions prepared to keep intros to a couple of sentences and yes folks I messed up and all the workshop time was used up with introductions. I went home feeling bad as I didn’t get to any of my material. However, everyone who attended seemed to get something out of each other’s stories.

On the way home I decided I was a fool to think this was my path and vowed to never do it again. 5 minutes later and a short pep talk by my partner – I was agreeing to look at the experience as a learning experience. It was no way what I had anticipated but I could see how It trailed off to intros only. Oops.

I then scheduled another one – I owned it. I had it at my house and I invited people. All with the attitude that if they came they came and if they don’t like it oh well. I did the second workshop. People came and all had positive feedback. I didn’t get stuck on the introductions but I did mess up a few things. This time I discussed the flaws with my partner and had no thoughts of quitting ! It wasn’t what I wanted It to be but it was what I needed and I can totally see what I learned and what I can do in the future.

I walked through fear of no one showing up, having people in my home and people disliking it. I also walked through living with the fact that it wasn’t perfect. It was however just what I needed.

There is so much self love and love to share when we walk through our fears. I am amazed and blessed today. I’m already planning my next workshop.

Is there something you would love to try ? I encouragrd you to throw caution and to the wind and give it a go. Walk through the fear my friends. Love and living are the rewards! If it’s less than perfect maybe it will be perfectly what you need at least it seems so to me.

Holiday Cheer!

Where is the holiday cheer? I was in the store the other day and a woman was buying a stuffed animal for a child. My friend didn’t realize she wasn’t done with the cashier and she asked the cashier a question.  When the energy in the entire country changed to GRRRRRRR! My friend quickly became aware that she had upset this woman.  My friend turned to her and apologized and stepped back to let the now very angry woman finish her transaction.  I have to say the entire interaction between my friend and the cashier took about 15 seconds and it was about 2 seconds before my friend apologized and stepped back.  This woman remained angry was cranky at the cashier the cashier was now cranky and the stuff animal was sufficiently fused with anger.

I should have set the tone better and explained that everyone in the store was wearing Santa hats and Christmas music was playing in the background and we were at Disney (the happiest place on earth). My friend and I were having a great time walking through Disney looking at all things Christmas, shopping and trading pins.  A smile planted on both our faces and spreading cheer;  not to the angry lady, I guess.

Where is the holiday cheer and where is the compassion and understanding for mistakes like my friend’s ? I do not know what was the problem that day for that woman but I know she did not seem to enjoy Christmas shopping – but why? Aren’t the holidays full of love and joy? No they aren’t. There could be many reasons this particular woman was in a bad mood – sick child, no money but the pressure to live up to a child’s expectation forced her to spend anyway, someone was angry with her for stopping at the store and spread the mood – who knows.  It could simply be what I think is an epidemic regarding holidays – EXPECTATIONS! We are fed all kinds of crap about holidays and how full of love and joy they are supposed to be that we put an ideal on them.  We plan and plan the perfect holiday!

I believe we sabotage ourselves in one of two ways – we plan to have the perfect holiday or we plan to have the worst holiday (the nightmare scene).  Either way we are trying to control that which is uncontrollable.

Expectation of this perfect holiday! There are way to many variables in our daily lives – people, places and things effect us daily and we have NO control over them.  You can plan yourself into the perfect holiday but if someone wakes up in a bad mood christmas morning or someone doesn’t show up or the stove breaks,  what can you do? NOTHING!

If your expectation of the holiday is misery – then you will get misery!

I have plans to spend my first holiday with my partner at her family’s home and spend Christmas with her husband and two adult children.  A week ago my ego spent a lot of time swinging between the ideal and the nightmare Christmas.  I thought I will be zen and this will be an amazing Christmas and then OMG it is going to be so uncomfortable its going to be the worst Christmas in my life.  First, let me point out – I have a practice in my life of trying to live in the moment – today is December 10 and last week was the first week of December and Christmas day is on the 25th – am I living in the moment ? No I am living several weeks ahead of myself.

I can’t determine what Christmas will bring but I know all of the  mental gymnastics I have gone through in my head regarding the holidays and Christmas are about FEAR! I am afraid I am not wanted, I am afraid I make others feel bad, I am afraid my presence will upset others, I am afraid everyone else will be so uncomfortable I will feel that and start acting weird, I am afraid my partner will feel sad, I am afraid her family will feel sad… OMG I could go on and on !

STOPPPPPP! That is pretty much what I said to my brain the other night at around 2 am.  I first must say – as for it being the worst Christmas ever, not a chance.  I have spent Christmas with drunk passed out parents, awake angry parents and with no family at all. One year (I was about 14 yrs) we didn’t have dinner because my mother threw the roast across the living room into the slider, my sister threw all her Christmas presents down the stairs and I left and went back to my foster parents house. That year was a doozy but not my worst.

What I have learned over the years of having traumatic holidays and some amazing holidays ! Is If have let go of expectation and just fill my heart with my own holiday cheer – not past holiday memories good or bad – but just fill my heart with love and cheer and get in the spirit myself – I usually have an amazing time.

I am glad that I know that I don’t know what any day will bring and that I know when I start trying to manage and control an outcome in the future that I am doing it because of fear of the unknown and my ego’s need to protect me from anything painful or even slightly uncomfortable.   So this Christmas I am going to show up with love in my heart and acceptance of others and of the day itself. I have no control and while that is very scary I know when I show up to be of service and with love in my heart my holiday will turn out to be an amazing experience.  I also know that when I plant expectations on an event I am limiting its endless possibilities by control and fear.

I am going to walk through the fear each day and bring love into it.  My friends I hope you can do this to. This holiday season lets truly live in love not in fear.  I bet we can open some amazing doors of joy and happiness for ourselves and others.

Busy Busy Busy

Are you kidding me – how can I get so busy that I don’t write my blog.  I stop the joy and the flow of love into my heart by getting too busy to do that which I feel called to do and that which I love – writing about my journey from fear into Love!!!!! OMG I love LOVE! Well, truth be told I do but sometimes I fear the heck out of love too.  Actually I should say I fear the love out of love, because as I have mentioned before I have come to know that the opposite of fear is love!

I have been busy and I can’t even think of what I have been up to. I guess a lot of processing my self stuff, relationships, spiritual journey and my new career – being a life coach.  I did a workshop a couple of weeks ago – my first and the plan was to ask my higher power – spirit to guide me and help me find a good balance between – psychology and spirituality to help empower others.  The workshop was on stopping the cycle of manifesting through fear.  I was amazed at how I just trusted all would go well and was for the most part without fear – UNTIL – I arrived at the location for my workshop and everyone was chatting and enjoying themselves –  I sat back and my little s mind when to work on me… they aren’t even mentioning the workshop they don’t want to have it – they would rather visit with each other. So I decided after that great session of mind reading,  just to sit back and enjoy the socializing.  Then an hour after I was supposed to start workshop someone said – hey, are you going to start the workshop and I said – oh you want to do it? and of course everyone was like yes….

So panic stricken and full of fear I decided to start the workshop – I forgot one fundamental thing – structure – I introduced myself (in depth) as I wanted everyone to know who I am and how I came to wanting to do such a workshop.  My plan was to ask each person to introduce themselves -with answers to 3 questions – what is your name, what is your favorite thing about yourself and why are you here for the workshop.  Nope I forgot and just said introduce yourselves… so of course everyone introduced themselves at length as I so nicely modeled for them.  The introductions took up all the time we had.  Everyone said how much fun they had and they really enjoyed getting to know people but – I didn’t do my workshop.  Feeling like a failure – despite enjoying the time – I decided my life was ruled by fear and I was fooling myself  into believing that I could do workshops and help anyone because I could barely help myself.

So what did I do you ask??? After crying and purging the fear and the pain of disappointment and feelings of failure. I processed the fear and forgave myself for not being perfect and I decided to trust that my HP (higher power / purpose) truly came through and what happened was what was supposed to happen.  Then I rescheduled another one – and I bet I won’t make the same mistake – I might make some mistakes and goodness knows I have fear of making some mistakes and fear of other’s opinions of me but I will walk through those and do what I trust I am suppose to do – spread love and help others do so too.

I am walking through fear into love and I am taking the risks I need to take to stay on my path and to share what I know to be true about fear, love and happiness.  Stay true to your path my friends – just because it is yours doesn’t mean its easy. Walk through the fear ! I will be there beside you walking through my own.

Loving without Being Right

I am writing about this because I finally had a successful experience – yay me! I have struggled with the following scenario my whole life.

If I am chatting with someone or I overhear someone say something I don’t agree with –  BOOM my mind has a long list of things that this person needs to hear – from me of course and of course because they are clueless and I am oh so full of clue that I need to inform them.  After all the knowledge I need to impart to them is truly for the good of man kind! Right? NOOOOO! Well, I know the answer to that is “No” but I used to believe it was my absolute duty to open my mouth!

So what happens when I impart my knowledge, “the truth” as I see it (today I know its my opinion) :)? What happens is I anger the other person and we begin to battle – a battle to prove which one of us is right and the anger and frustration rises to a level that no one is enjoying themselves – especially me and then I sit back and say – how did this happen – oh yeah that person is so stupid they can’t even see that I am right. I should let them calm down and bring it up another day after I figure out a more simplistic way to show them or to explain the truth. OMG how unloving and foolish – but so me for so long.

I am changed today – I love the person even if they don’t see things my way.  Hell months ago I didn’t see things my way. Why judge others.  I am happy to love each person as they are – don’t get me wrong people I don’t always and it wasn’t always this easy – I had to ask for a lot of patience and help to keep my mouth shut.

The process to change this was like this:  – first opening my mouth and realizing it was going poorly and then saying never mind – backing out before the total implosion; then after dong that for a while I was able to just basically feel the need to fix/correct/ or inform but I would bite my tongue off so I wouldn’t say anything – I would still walk away frustrated and want to snap – but I didn’t open my mouth and I felt good about that.

Today – I ask for an intention of love and acceptance and I have experienced the ability to not even feel frustrated with the other persons erroneous thinking (in my understanding lol) but I say that is their truth and I allow them to have it.

In order to change I had to understand that it was fear and my ego that needed everyone to have my opinions and beliefs – today I can walk through that fear and allow others to feel and think what they want without the need to impart my belief system so I can feel like I am ok.  Today I am ok!

My friends this experience has been so rewarding for me and certainly taking some very negative energy out of some of my relationships or interactions with people – it is amazing, I encourage you to try it.

Walk through the fear of not being right or others not knowing what you know and just allow those in your daily interactions be! You will begin to have more peace and you will see the love you have for them regardless of what they think or believe. You will begin to accept and be in a place of unconditional love.

Today I am going to continue to walk through the fear of not challenging another person’s belief system and hope to find myself in a place of love and acceptance. Join me.

It’s the Little Things!

Hello Friends – Sorry but this blog will diverge just a touch from walking through fear to love – its simply about love and kindness.  Yesterday I was having a really rough day – I was exhausted from not sleeping the night before, emotional and of course I decided to not eat real food just have three 100 calorie shakes for the day. Mind you my decision to eat, actually drink 300 calories for the day came on the heals of my body being pretty comfortable consuming a couple thousand calories a day.  So talk about deprivation!!!!

Then the life lesson!!! Things didn’t go the way I planned and — I was ridiculously side swiped with disappointment and I was lost in WHY ME??? If you know anything about me – you probably realize I didn’t keep the gunk to myself– I spread it to my partner 🙂 ! She in a moment of brilliance and self preservation – told me she wasn’t going to take on my stuff and she would talk with me later.  Impressive!! Her ability to have self-care – stopped me dead in my tracks – my train wreck tracks… Shit I did it – I succeeded in spreading something other than love — DANG – I was not happy about this because I believe my true mission in this life is to spread love.  UGH ! Fail !!! Truth is I am human and I have to tell you I fail or fall short of perfection on spreading love 100% of the time each and every day! I don’t like that; but, if I am supposed to be spreading love then loving myself and my imperfection is part of the plan right! Ok – so I licked my wounds and regrouped and looked at my part in the complete life derailment – hahaha not really – these are simple problems.

Anyway, I had to sit with my discomfort and I am not a fan of that; so, I moped my way to the T and got on the train.  I was standing on the train filled with remorse and wanted to cry from exhaustion, hunger and sadness that I hurt my partner’s feelings.  Then suddenly, my world changed.  A nice young man looked up from his seat and asked it I wanted his seat.  WHAT ??? This kind of stuff is so powerful.  I thanked him and said no but that I appreciated his kindness.  This young man may have no clue how special I felt in that moment.  He saw me and he extended a kindness.  That simple gesture was all I needed to turn my day around – or – should I say my frown.  I share this story because the depth at which his kind gesture touched my heart was surprisingly impressive!

That young man changed my entire mood – from feeling sad and down on myself to joy and love.  I wish I had started my partner’s day out like that – perhaps my day wouldn’t have gone south so fast… but it was a lesson and a lesson is meant to be learned – next time – I hope I think of the young man and how my heart was lifted by him and choose to lift the heart of those around me instead of spread the dread.

Today I choose not to spread the dread but to take the risk to keep my heart open so I am capable of spreading love even when things don’t go the way I want them too.  Choosing love feels so good! Try it  🙂