If you knew me…

If you knew me you wouldn’t love me because you would discover I was unlovable. This is what I believed as true until about 8 months ago. I spent my entire life trying to hide the true me because of this fear or that which I thought was truth. The person that I decided you wanted to be around was the person I became. Goodness help me if you ever discovered how I really felt or thought.  Oh boy everyone loved me! Of course they did I was being who they wanted me to be –  but I’ll tell you I had no idea who I was and I had no ability to choose for me in any situation. 

Eight months ago I was in a position to tell a trusted confidant all my deep dark secrets – stuff I never shared with anyone. A house cleaning of sorts. I felt love for the first time! Not an outside love but a self love. I was ok! Holy cow- I didn’t die when I shared the secrets of my loathed self!!! My confidant didn’t run from the room to get away from me. A miracle !!! 

When it came time to share I was so freaked out with fear –  I asked for help and walked through the fear!  I found me and I found freedom! What a reward!

Today I know I don’t have to hang on to stuff and keep it locked up in a dark corner for fear of not being loved.  Truth is folks – I was blocking any chance of being loved.  

I never shared the true me so how the hell did I think the true me would feel love. I just kept the cycle going – people would say I love you and I’d think well they don’t really love me because they don’t know me. I was so lonely. 

 I know I have to take risks everyday and open my heart and share my true self good, bad and the ugly!! I don’t want to hurt others but I can’t pretend to be someone I’m not. I’ve also learned from this experience that I’m not my feelings – I can feel jealous, petty and angry but I don’t have to act on those feelings and I can love myself despite not being or feeling perfect. I’m open to being loved and NOT loved by others. Not loved – yikes what will I do!  Yup – I’ll survive.  Just like I did when I took the risk to share what I knew to be my unlovables. 

 Today I’m going to continue take to risks and open my heart and share me. I hope you join me in this. Love is amazing and I can’t believe I went without it for so long! 

4 thoughts on “If you knew me…

  1. I feel every word you wrote. The more I learn about you the more I truly feel like twins from a different mother. Keep the gems (and truths) coming! Our meeting was not a mistake!

    Like

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