Choosing me…

“If you knew me…” was the way I walked through the fear of sharing my true self and coming into a place of self love but it fails to mention a key thing about how I learned to love myself and to feel worthy.  I did this by choosing me.  It isn’t easy and often feels selfish.  However, if you are anything like I used to be – you choose to do what everyone else wants to keep them happy.  Just like our spouses or friends need to feel that sometimes we put them first or we are willing to choose them or support them in time of need – SELF needs this too.  If we constantly choose to do things we don’t want to do because we don’t want to upset another or we “think” the other will crumble if we say no (often a bunch of hogwash – they will probably thrive) we are denying ourself love.  Sounds crazy but we have choices about what we want to do. Ok I may be a little slow but it took me 48 years to figure that out and let me tell you I didn’t learn it on my own.

My first memory of choosing me went like this – I was sitting on a bench at the beach with a friend and I was complaining about how my partner wanted to go to a party and I really didn’t want to go. I was trying not to drink and I knew there would be a ton of drinking at the party.  My friend told me that I didn’t have to go if I didn’t want to. I was shocked and I think I said something to the effect that my partner wanted me to go and she said you still don’t have to go you can choose you.  I was excited at the prospect of not having to go for about 30 seconds and then BOOM stomach ache— omg I am going to let my partner down and there will probably be a disagreement.  I went back and forth for hours and days and I finally told my partner I wasn’t going to go. It didn’t go over well and I wanted to throw up for days – BUT — I noticed something a little different underneath the angst and potential vomit. I wasn’t sure what it was at the time but after choosing me many times with many people the angst started to shrink and that underlying feeling started to get bigger. What I didn’t know at the time was that I was practicing self love and that underlying feeling was me learning to take care of myself and moving from a place of needing others approval to loving me.  I don’t believe I ever felt loved before because I hadn’t been choosing me and in turn loving me! I then could recognize what if felt like.

Today I walk through the fear of choosing me and I hope you will give it a try. I believe you will be amazed (once you get over the stomach ache).

 

 

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