Well, I should have titled this “On Failing at Being Perfect.” I say failing at being perfect because gosh knows I try to be perfect – the operative word – TRY. I really wish I wouldn’t have my heart set on such a goal because I am dooming myself to dealing with a lot of disappointment.
What does being perfect mean to me? It means maintaining a heart full of love and responding to others with love. Seems like it should be easy – I don’t have to have a certain job, I don’t have to look a certain way, I don’t have to know certain people, or have achieved certain things, I just have to maintain a heart full of love and respond to others in love.
OMG it is really hard! You know why – EGO! My dang ego gets in the way all of the time. As I have mentioned before, my Little S self responds in fear and Big S responds from a place of love! Well Ego is Little s’ best friend.
Ego is always willing to jump in front of Little s and yell – “HAVE NO FEAR, EGO IS HERE.” Gosh help me when this happens. I definitely do not respond in love – If I can catch a pause like I’ve mentioned in a previous blog I might save myself a little remorse and the need to apologize later but my friends, we all know that doesn’t always happen.
Little s and Ego interact something like this. I’m tired or not feeling 100% and a friend says a basic statement like “you hurt my feelings.” Little s jumps right into fear of losing a friend mode – before I can jump down on my knees and ask for forgiveness and beg the friend not to end the friendship – EGO comes to save the day! Ego in it’s infinite wisdom scans my memory bank for anytime this friend may have hurt my feelings and decides it is a good time to point these incidents out. After all, if the friend realizes he/she is just as hurtful how could they possibly leave. Suddenly, the whole conversation has gone south and I feel worse.
Once Ego takes over I usually get the pause I should have taken earlier because now my friend and I aren’t talking or the friend has left in a huff. Usually, about 2 seconds into the pause, Big S has an opportunity to rise to the surface. This means it’s time to put aside the Ego and walk through Little s’ fear by reaching out to the friend. Big S basically opens my heart and allows me to tell the friend everything that happened inside my head and heart and to apologize for hurting his/her feelings. It would have been much easier to respond with love in the first place; however, I have learned that each time I fail at perfection I am given an opportunity to open more lines of communication with a loved one. So I’ll keep recommitting to trying to be perfect and I’ll keep failing at it. It will give me plenty of opportunities to walk through my fear into a deeper love. Try it you might like the results – but ease up on the expectations of the receiver not everyone knows how to respond to change in their loved ones at first. So it may take time to see real results. Keep walking through your fears my friends.