Changing w/ out Permission

I am currently walking through some fear – ok you do realize I don’t literally walk through the fear, right? It just means I am acting when I fear the action or I am not acting when I fear the lack of action.  What??? Yeah, I am not sure that was too clear.  This is what I mean, if I fear calling someone to tell them something difficult, I make the call anyway.  Once I have made the call, if the person doesn’t respond well to what I say, I don’t call them and take it all back out of fear of losing the person.  So you see action when I fear the action and no action when I fear the lack of action. Ultimately, avoiding my fear by acting or not acting doesn’t usually bode well.  In both cases I am denying myself – MY TRUTH.

So like I said in the beginning I am walking through some fear these days. I find that I have changed but many people in my life haven’t and they are not accustomed to my new way of doing things.  I didn’t think it would be so hard for people to understand the idea of self-care.  I guess I shouldn’t be so surprised since it is so foreign to many people.

I have made choices for me over the last year and much of my family, some friends and even some co-workers believe that my choices were about them and they haven’t responded well.  The difficulty is how hard its been for me to understand why some of my closest loved ones can’t see how different I am.  They only see that I am causing them hurt by not being my old self; someone who just bends over backwards for anyone regardless of my own needs.  The thing is when I acted like that I didn’t do those things out of love and kindness; I did them out of fear of loss.

Today I don’t fear the loss; well that is a bit of a lie. I fear loss and sometimes feel lonely because my loved ones don’t see me; the real me, the authentic me that I am becoming.  They don’t see how happy I am.  It hurts because for the first time in my life I have the ability to love my family and friends but they are unable to even recognize that about me.  Oh well – not trying to be on a pity pot – I hate that behavior !!! I just want to point out – that I am walking through fear because I want to run toward those that are shutting me out and explain myself and defend my actions; but, I know that is my fear talking and me trying to manage a situation I truly can’t control.  So I will walk through this fear and sit and not act and have faith that it will all work out.  I will act by continuing to be my authentic self. True to me!

If you are struggling with something similar stay strong my friend and walk through your fear – hell we can walk through it together!


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