It seems as though it would be so easy to close my heart off to others. I sometimes fantasize about doing it because I would love the gaurantee of no more disappointment, hurt or sadness of any kind. I know it wouldn’t work for me because I would also be closing my heart off to love.
I have to admit though the idea of not feeling any emotional pain is appealing. Sometimes I get tired, hell more like exhausted from feeling. I had lots of practice by the time I was 10 years old! Before I was 10 I had experienced a parent hitting me with a bat while I slept, a few punches in the face from a parents’ spouse, being thrown across the room by my hair, being molested by a known person and also an unknown person, being beaten up by a friend, called a cry baby by a parent, forced to eat food I didn’t want to eat, starved when I wanted to eat, and had witnessed countless acts of violence against women and children. I would like to say it all stopped by the time I was 10 but it didn’t. I’m exhausted just rembering the hurt. Lol.
In my adult life, I choose to be around healthy people. I think sometimes I’ve been through so much I can handle anything. Not so, I’m sensitive! A friend will say something to me and I feel my heart break , it might be something simple and I’m crushed. I want to shut the friend off, cut the friend out of my heart and close down. I don’t, gosh it feels like it will kill me not to shut down but I know I’ll go back to being lonely and not feeling any love. I’ve realized most of the people in my life today don’t want to hurt me it just happens sometimes. Sometimes what is said to me or done isn’t that big of a deal but I’m tired or hungry and run down and the comment or action appears so much greater than it actually was. This is especially true if it bumps up against my past pain. I might look at the comment through a broken hearted child’s eyes instead of a healthy emotionally developed adult’s.
You know I’m all about the love and I know my hurt stuff is all about the fear. So I get some rest and eat some food and sleep on it or pause and regroup. Then when I feel up to it I walk through the childhood fear and open my heart again. I remind myself I am lovable and I will be ok if I get hurt again and I can cry. It’s amazing how much crying helps ( I used to think it was for wimps – now I know how much strength a person has to have to actually allow themselves to feel and cry).
I am a survivor and when I was young that meant just getting out alive today it means actually living and living to me means loving. So I will keep walking through the fear of re-opening my heart when I get hurt!
Im going to take a chance on love ! Walking through !!!