Sometimes things don’t work out the way I want them to or I don’t get what I want and my inclination ( used to be my complete m.o.) is to say never again and shut down.
I have a friend who went through some stuff over the last couple of months and while she was going through it she isolated and I really missed her. I was disappointed and sad I couldn’t spend as much time with her but I was getting used to missing her and not having the friend to call and talk to or hang with regularly.
Then she started to feel better and she was back. I was hesitant at first protecting my heart so I wouldn’t have to go through another one of her isolation retreat from friendship phases but then I let it go and got fully invested again and opened my heart.
I had plans with this friend last night and I was so excited to hang out with her and then she cancelled to go do the same thing with another friend. She was honest about it and up front but I was still hurt and I was hurt that I wasn’t invited to go with them because they were in fact going to the same place I was.
Then my best and old thinking began – I’m never going to ask her to do stuff again and I’m not going to go now- I don’t want to see them feeling like a left out freak. This my friends is the first stage in my portection plan – me closing off my heart!!! -reacting from a place of FEAR ! I don’t want to feel hurt again so I go to SHUT DOWN Connection Mode!
Luckily – I caught myself and decided to talk to another friend about my disappointment and just cry and express how it made me feel. Later I went out and saw them and it was fine.
I had walked through the fear and released the feelings and was able to keep my heart open to be crushed again. Just kidding I kept my heart open so I can feel love!! I know today that I can’t protect myself from pain without shutting out the love and I’m all about the love. So I will keep taking the risk and walking through the fear of being hurt into love.