Damn Onion

The damn onion – keeps on peeling and never seems to get to the center – kind of like a tootsie pop! You know – how many licks does it take? Ok – for those of you who are like what the hell is she writing about an onion and a tootsie pop for – let me clarify.  SELF – the damn layers of self, the layers of joy, the layers of pain, the layers of self-knowledge!

All the work on self – you would think that I would have gotten to the center of the onion – not quite.  I am fooled on occasion when I have gone through something or purged a past childhood pain. I think to myself – awe perhaps that was the last of it- I can now rise like a phoenix out of the ashes of my old self. 

 Then my partner says something or does something I have a strange feeling reaction and boom another layer of the self-discovery onion pops open and I have to look at me and my thinking and my motivations and my behavior. Damn I hate that!  Well actually I don’t hate it entirely, I just think sometimes it would be nice to get a break from self-discovery.  I used to say and sometimes still do “I wish I could be oblivious.”.  Truth is I don’t really want to be oblivious as I have learned to live truly live and enjoy life ups and downs. I enjoy the ups more, of course.  It is amazing to be a part of life. Actively feeling, being aware, learning and working on myself to be a better person, partner and family member.  

My partner and I are constantly bumping up against each other’s onion layers and learning so much about ourselves and each other. It is exhausting but rewarding!  We are really working on being honest and sincere in our relationship. Sounds like I’m crazy and it should be simple and a common occurrence in a relationship but it isn’t. Obviously, we want to be honest and sincere in our relationship but I mean –  HONEST.   The capital version of honest for me is sharing the scary truth of self not just not lying.

 I am a selfish, self seeking person who wants what I want and I want it to myself.  No sharing please and with my partner that means – attention, love, time,  you name it. I think it should be all mine and not for anyone else and my partner knows I feel this way and we laugh about it. Unless of course, I’m acting on those feelings then we aren’t laughing. No one is laughing. Scary jealous girl isn’t a pretty sight. 

 It really is all about fear – fear I won’t get enough attention, fear there isn’t enough love to go around, fear of being left out and also, the fear of sharing this stuff and not being loved because I’m viewed as insecure or weak!  

What I have found by sharing my true self (not my ideal self)  – I am not alone.  Everyone I have shared these fears with has told me they have the same or similar.  It’s so refreshing to not have to keep that part of myself hidden or to pretend I don’t feel something I feel or to feel shame for my feelings (ok well to be honest I still have shame at times).  I have a bit of a need to be my ideal self – I am a bit of a perfectionist. 

The key is to not ACT on these feelings when they pop up. I found the first step is recognizing the feelings and then the fears behind them and then sharing them without expectation or hightened emotion. I have discovered for me and others I have spoken to that all of these fears stem from past history – it can be recent events, childhood events or even past life events that are bumped up against and triggers the past fear.  The fear feels very real and maybe seem over the top for the current situation. 

 If the past event is under a layer of the onion that is not yet revealed – I tend to act on the triggered fear before I recognize it! I have no time to  process it without emotions being hightened! Then no one is laughing. 

Once I have a few minutes or a few days to process it I begin to understand my fear because the past event creaps up and out of the onion layer. Sometimes I don’t know the event from the past but I certainly can feel the feelings – past feelings feel really intense to me and very deep or ingrained.  Once I know the current situation triggered a past event I can usually recognize it going forward. Ugh, I hate those days when my past is triggered and I don’t realize it!  

 I’m pretty sure my onion is never ending and I don’t know how many licks it will take to get to the center of the tootsie pop but I’ll keep trying and keep sharing with others to lessen the power of the past. 

Today I will walk through the fear of facing my past, processing my past (usually means crying) and sharing my feelings with another person so I can live in love and be my ideal self more than not. I hope you join me.  The tears will end eventually and you will feel light and the past will lose it’s power over today! 

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