Control Freak

I received a text last night saying my office at work was being moved. You would have thought the world was coming to an end or I was diagnosed with some horrible disease if you heard the thoughts that were running through my head.  I have to admit, I do believe that there is some cause for alarm when you are told your office is being moved – for example; what if I don’t have a window in this new office, what if the person in it before me had bad energy or was a horder and there were dust mites everywhere. Some serious concerns – but folks it did not warrant the 5 alarm fire reaction in my head.  For an instance after I read the text, I thought – OMG, what am I going to do? It kind of cracks me up now; but, the struggle is real. I have a hard time with not being in control of my space and PLANS! Plans are the death of me sometimes – I set them up, add some expectation and then boom something comes along and messes them all up. Like the devastation of an office move (mind you the move is only around the corner from where I am now – same building, same floor) – plans shifting can cause a major disruption to me emotionally.

I am working on changing the above mentioned tragedy reactions to things; but, before I can change my reaction I need to figure out what it is that is so upsetting or disturbing to me.  I know I didn’t have a lot of security as a kid; ok, none. So I sometimes think it is about that and wanting to control everything in my environment so I can be safe, maybe??  I really am not sure. I do know this – when I hear from someone other than my boss that my office is moving I feel like the whole world knows what is going to happen to me in my life and I am the last to find out and I get MAD.  I want to know and I want to know first! Ok – let’s be real, I want my boss to ask permission and when I consent I will then be happy – oh no; ok, well really only after I get the office I want.

Am I that set in my ways and controlling that I can’t deal with my office changing??? No, I don’t think it is about being set in my ways I think it is about — yup, you guessed it – FEAR!

I am afraid that I am not in control and; therefore, my needs won’t get met.  I find this funny now that I have written it out.. My needs have always been met since I have been an adult and what needs aren’t going to be met by having to move my office???? Not really sure; but, as I have mentioned before it is a slippery slope to jobless, homelessness and being alone. Ok – so I will have a nice new office with a view ! I can turn that information into a nightmare if you let me. Today I am going to choose not to. Its too easy to have fear and anger rolling around in my head for the next 5 months or so before I even move.  I will work on living in today and trusting that it will be ok. It is the best way I can walk through my fear of not being in control.  I am not in control of anything but my attitude toward that which happens – so any delusion I keep giving myself that I am in control is a joke anyway and thank goodness places like my work keep reminding of my lack of control.  Ah — trusting that all will be ok and the knowledge that I don’t have control is kind of a relief.. I can sit back and smile and let the change happen around me.. YIKES… ok it will be ok. I am walking through the fear.

 

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