On not being liked. 

I hate it when someone doesn’t like me or wants space from me.  What is that??? You know it’s seems it would make that situation a lot easier if my mind and heart would be like “ok, she doesn’t like me, then fine I’ll stay away from her or give her her space.”. Nope, doesn’t work like that my mind might say that but my heart is like why ????? And Oh man, I can’t cant get comfortable if someone doesn’t  like me. 

I had this situation recently and the woman wasn’t willing to even tell me why she was no longer talking to me. It nearly killed me until it didn’t. Lol. I kept putting myself in situations where she would be – I was trying to force an interaction. Kept bringing it up to mutual friends who at first said oh she isn’t upset with you, you know how she is she just stops communicating sometimes and then after a while it became hard for anyone to say that and now it’s been ten months without a peep or even  mentioning that she is mad at me to me. So strange to go from speaking everyday to not even a peep or saying hey you made me upset or hurt me. 

I spent the first month questioning why she wasn’t communicating and the second month after realizing it was me – going over all of our interactions trying to figure out what I did. And still no idea.  Oh sure I can speculate but honestly I can’t quite ever know. Nothing really big happened. At least that I know of. Oh well. Ok so the third month I spent agonizing over it – whatever it was – wanted to and almost did call her many times to say ” I don’t know what I did but I’m sorry” please please be my friend again. I didn’t do this though. The fourth month was me thinking omg she is probably telling everyone what I did and I can’t defend myself because I don’t know who knows nor do I know what I did. 

And then month 5 yay for month 5. I let it go. I had to ask for so much help but today in month 10 this is where I’m at. 

It’s her loss.  I know I didn’t hurt her on purpose (whatever I did).  I know I care about her still and I feel bad for her. She is harboring a hurt and anger and the person it’s directed to doesn’t even know. She has no desire or to much fear to talk about it.  I do not. I am ok. I miss her but today I have learned to let others dislike me.  I’ve written about this before and it isn’t easy to be disliked and its especially difficult to not have the opportunity to repair a friendship you didn’t know you ruined but it is ok. I have learned from this experience and I hope to remain open to repairing it if this person approaches me someday.  

I don’t have to chase people to make them like me and I don’t have to have everyone like me. I know in my heart that any interaction I had with this person or other friends that I meant well and that I loved them even if they don’t see it that way. I am ok and I’m willing to learn this lesson and sit through the silent treatment ( walking through the fear ) and wait it out and know I am ok. She and anyone else is entitled to their feelings and I am ok no matter what. I am not their feelings as I am not mine.  

Today I will let others have their feelings even if I don’t agree with them.   Sending them love and loving me even if they don’t. Peace. 

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