Its so disturbing to realize I could still use a highchair at 49 years old. I just hate that about myself; but, childhood crap kicks up sometimes and my solution – react childishly; well in my head. I have to exercise the PAUSE to make sure I don’t let it sneak out.
My experience with the highchair today went like this:
I have been encouraging my partner to make choices on her behalf even if she fears it will upset me. As I have written before, we have to choose ourselves before we can fill up with self-love and be grounded enough to share ourselves in authentically with others. So today what did my partner do — just that! She chose herself over my feelings. Dang – walking through that rejection was much more difficult than doling out such advice. Awesome thing about it was – I did in fact appreciate what she was doing and was able to compliment her on making that choice as I know it was extremely difficult to do. Ok – I know you are all reading this saying – “come on, get to the highchair part.”
Well – as much as I was proud – damn my feelings were hurt and I felt rejected. I am so lucky I have done work in this area because my heart hurt and I wanted to shut her out for good (old behavior) but instead I protected my heart and allowed my self to build a little wall to console myself. However, I wanted to stomp my feet and throw a fit – hence the highchair. Instead I blocked my heart – I knew I was feeling rejected and making it about me but I also knew this was wonderful growth for my partner and was pleased on that end. My other side was wondering why can’t she process her crap with me????? She doesn’t love me, I am not good enough, I am going to die alone… NOPE probably not!! I stopped my noggin madness and bought her flowers. I was a little closed mouthed and short worded when she came home but I was able to tell her how happy I was she was taking care of herself but that I was cautious because of feeling rejected and hurt. I love her and I know she loves me and that is all there is.
I know we are ultimately responsible for our own happiness. It doesn’t matter that I want to be the one to take her pain away and make her happy – I can’t and when she chooses to process stuff and choose herself I know that is where she will learned self – love and grow and its not about me. I had to do the same thing and have to continually do it. Ugh.. why can’t we just fix our loved ones and have them fix us???
I am so grateful to have a life where self evaluation and growth are big part of it. Even if its scary and sometimes painful. We are going to get hurt and we are going to be rejected by others but I won’t allow that to shut my heart off permanently and I hope you all don’t either. Love is an amazing thing and its only possible if we open ourselves up in the most vulnerable way. I know my partner isn’t rejecting me – she is choosing herself and I know it is what we must do to have a self to share. So my friends – go forth and choose you !!! I won’t take it personal – for too long! : )
Today I will walk through the fear (once again) of keeping my heart open and loving even when my childhood fear of rejection, not being good enough and being unlovable are triggered. Gosh it feels good to be alive and FEEL – yes feel and feel everything.