I know how lonely it feels to not be seen and how it feels to be disconnected not only from the world but from yourself. I can remember times in my life where suicide or cutting seemed like the only solution for me. I was in so much pain emotionally that I could not see anyway out of it and each and every moment in an hour felt like a lifetime. I can remember lying in bed thinking ok – I just have to close my eyes and sleep for a bit and this pain will pass. Convinced many hours had passed I would open my eyes and look at the clock and it wouldn’t even be ten minutes later. OMG – I couldn’t imagine a lifetime of such pain and suffering never mind survive less than ten minutes.
What I didn’t know at the time was that what was making me so uncomfortable was my feelings. I didn’t even know that the uncomfortable pain in my heart and gosh its almost impossible to describe – the only thing I can truly say is the minutes would take forever to pass and the loneliness was unbearable.
I would cut myself to relieve some of the pressure inside.. I hurt so much emotionally the only thing that would give me relief was physical pain. Another thing, that today sounds crazy to me, but let me tell you I wasn’t crazy I was in emotional pain and I had no idea how to get through it was the BS solutions (as I believed them to be back then) people would tell me to see a therapist and cry! Hello – you most caring but not so brilliant people — actually that is a little harsh I should say “caring and good hearted but not understanding the situation people”. I couldn’t tell a therapist what was going on!!!! In most situations I didn’t know what was really going on myself or I couldn’t trust a therapist or anyone for that matter to tell them anything. Crying – well I was convinced crying would open the flood gates of something or several things that I would never recover from.
I have to admit – crying was a good suggestion but the people suggesting it didn’t realize I was too afraid and that meant that wasn’t a possibility for me. Today – I am a crying machine– love it ! I get such relief from it. Ok – so what, right? – I left out a lot in between how is anyone supposed to get relief with me writing “I couldn’t cry because of fear and today I can.” I don’t really think that is helpful.
I learned to cry because I stopped moving away from my pain and I had no choice. I didn’t cut, I didn’t try to kill myself and I didn’t used drugs or alcohol long enough to have no choice but to collapse on the floor and cry. When all options were removed from my mind as options and the pain returned – I had no choice but to cry. I cried an entire day – I remember all of the feelings coming with this long cry – the most fearful one was that I was alone – not physically but emotionally and that no one would ever see me or know me. I didn’t drink, use, or hurt myself in anyway when these feelings came up. I cried and I cried out to whatever was in the universe to help me. I never believed in God but on this day I was asking the universe for help – call it what you will. I don’t know if I got help from the universe or if I simply didn’t hurt myself because I was busy crying and asking for help from whatever.
I remember one very distinct thing about this turning point day for me was when I woke up the next day – I couldn’t believe I survived and I felt a little better. I did share with someone my experience and they just witnessed it without judgment and allowed it to be mine without trying to fix it or explain it.
On that day – I was the most desperate ever and I fell to pieces but it was in that day that I found freedom. I found freedom from acting on the pain and the uncomfortableness of me. I had a trusted confident it was either the universe, the spot on my bedroom floor where I cried, or just my own crying and observation of it without action (hurting myself) – call it what you want – I found it and I embraced it. To this day when I feel helpless and overwhelmed with pain or confusion or pretty much anything off-kilterish (like to make up words) to me – I get on that spot on my bedroom floor and ask for help – and I get it. Don’t ask from what – I am not equipped to explain.
Ok -why am I rambling about this – I guess because today I am realizing how much serenity I have and how much suffering there still is in the world. I see and feel it and I see and feel those suffering. I have love for those and I wish I could give them what I have found but I can’t so for now I can say – be brave and ask for help. It is the hardest thing in the world to do – usually because we think it makes us weak but really it is hard so it actually means we are stronger.
I know we can survive our pain and suffering if we just ask for help, trust that it will come and good gosh stay away from hurting ourselves long enough to allow something different to occur!
Peek-a-Boo I see you and I know you are lovable! You are loved as I was (even when I didn’t feel it). Walk through the fear and ask for help and free yourself of your pain. I don’t even have words to describe the peace, love and joy I have today – even when my pain rises to the surface.