I don’t have a lot to say on this, who am I fooling I have a lot to say on everything. However, I am going to keep this short because this is an area of my inner workings that I am just truly starting to understand; consequently, I am not certain it is the best to be writing about it just yet. I may confuse the heck out of my readers and my self. Anyway, I am going to try to keep it basic and short for all of our sakes.
As my followers have learned and as my new readers will begin to understand if you read enough of my blogs – I am a fearful person and my goal is as my blog states – to walk through fear into love. I have learned that when I walk through my fears, I find myself filling up with self love and life is suddenly, must less painful.
I realized today that I have been observing my fear more instead of entertaining it as in the past. This has opened the door for me to notice when I don’t respond to the first line of fear my ego adds to the story to get me to respond to my fear.
I was told something today that would have brought about a serious amount of jealously and fear of loss in the past and today I just heard the words as words. I observed or noticed that this information was something that would bring about fear and jealousy but It didn’t. I didn’t engage, then suddenly, I observed the voice in my head try to twist what was said and add to it, as if to try to “up the ante” to get me to feed into and react to the fear. I didn’t react to the words so now my psyche – or lil s as I like to call it was trying to make me react. I kid you not people – I didn’t engage I just observed and wouldn’t you know the voice in my head added more to it again.
It went like this – my partner tells me she wants to see a friend this morning – a day that is typically our day together. I heard the words and was ok with it. No jealously, fear blip or anything. Then the voice in my head said – she wants to spend time with someone other than you; you should be jealous of that. I didn’t react or have a blip because I was observing and then the voice in my head went to – it’s your special day and she would rather be with that other person and not with you. I just laughed and it was at this point that I realized – wow – even my own ego/lil s or psyche – call it what you will doesn’t want me to change and let go of old fears. I don’t react and it actually increases and changes the fear line that runs through my head (you all know – where I am going – homeless and alone – LOL).
I can’t believe how much I learned during this scenario this morning — literally when we change our behaviors, the people in our life either like it or it makes them uncomfortable and they rage against it by trying to get us upset so we engage in our old behaviors – but I HAD NO IDEA our own minds did this. I literally saw it trying to trick me — well what I realized is my psyche – lil s or ego really was trying to defend me or protect me- if there was any remote chance my partner was going to leave me or didn’t want to be with me – my ego wanted me to be aware – this is your major fear and you are getting a warning sign – why are you not heeding it.. ok I will make the damn sign bigger by adding to the story. It seemed a little insane but at this point I became seriously intrigued by what was happening.
I can’t live in fear of what might happen as it will rob me of today and I can’t act on my fear today even if my ego pushes me toward it. I have learned over the years that when I act on my fears I make them come true. If I fear abandonment – I either drive people away with crazy fearful clingy behavior or I cut them out of my life quick to be in charge of the where and when of the pain. Not today folks.
I say no to my ego and yes to living in the moment and enjoying the fact that the people I care about have the ability to care about others and want to be with them. It is a beautiful thing. I will walk through the fear of observing my ego and not engaging in it upping the ante or creating bigger warning signs to try to get me to react. I know this will allow me to enjoy today and live in love.
Peace my friends – I see you and you are amazing.