Utter Despair

I realize I may have been giving you all the impression that – IT – is as easy as breaking down crying and asking for help and boom a new you will rise from the ashes.  It isn’t that simple – tonight I was feeling utter despair – to me that means nothing but pain – that deep, all consuming pain I have written about many times – the kind that comes from the potential reality of my worst fear – I am alone and no one sees me.

I believe this feeling came upon me tonight so the universe could help me stay in touch with the feeling so I can have compassion for others and to keep reminding me how I deal with it so I write an accurate description of the pain and the resolution I have found to deal with it.

If you have been reading my blog then you know I used to drink, do drugs, harm myself and pretty much do anything to escape these feelings.  Today – I have different tools for dealing with the feelings of fear that lead to such terrible pain – I observe the fear and feel the pain, sadness or loneliness or whatever it is.

I  wrote about this same topic the other day – but tonight I realized there is a few things I didn’t share about myself – the first really is that I will always try to avoid feeling first – I am no expert – I don’t jump right in and yell “weeeeeeeee” as I fall of the emotional cliff.  OMG –  who wants to feel especially when it hurts.  I have to watch for anything I attempt to do to distract or avoid feelings- otherwise I will suppress them and pretend they don’t exist. I must confess – I did this as recent as tonight.

I was trying to push my feelings away and distract myself.  I wanted to cry but I kept telling myself I was entertaining fear and fear isn’t reality – so there is no need to cry. I was judging my feelings and determining if they were real enough or based on reality – a total no no thing to do.  Feelings are to be felt when they rise up – they are not to be judged.

However, when I finally stopped and started to allow it to rise to the surface – I was engulfed with pain – OMG it was awful.  I am sorry if I made it sound like a simple and casual event in past blogs – yuck it sucked and hurt.

I have to tell you though, I allowed it to rise and I cried and cried and asked for help to not be alone. I know I am not alone – the universe is full of energy and I am sure there is a spirit or two out there looking to support me.  It still hurts though, the pain or sadness rises up and I feel like my chest is cracking open and I can’t breath.  BUT – I allowed it up anyway – I didn’t stop it – because my friends I know if I can let it out it can’t own me and I will be fine. I trust that if I face these fears and walk through them – I will come out on the other side in love.  My experience tonight was no different. I hurt so much I now have that much more compassion for those who hurt.  I am blessed to have had this opportunity to once again practice walking through fear / pain and coming out on the other side of it.  You know I just want to be seen and I don’t want to be alone.  I have to trust that we aren’t alone in our pain and that it has a purpose.

Live in love my friends and keep walking through your fears ! We can do this together and we can raise the vibration of the universe out of fear into love.


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