On the Outside

This past weekend I had the awesome pleasure of traveling with my hockey team to a tournament.  I haven’t played with them in a while and I was nervous about fitting in and being a part of.  I quit drinking and my team well most hockey teams love to drink – LOL. I certainly did. I wasn’t sure if they would think I was fun at an away tournament because most of the focus is usually on where are we going to eat and drink heavily (did I mention that I am also a plant based eater).  So I didn’t’ consider myself a part of because of the food and drink.  I wanted so badly to feel like a part of the team and while I was having a blast all weekend I kept realizing how different I felt – I couldn’t chat about how drunk I was after the last game or how drunk I was going to get after the current one – all I could talk to my team about was hockey and why on earth would I want to talk to my team about hockey.

Well on Sunday I was talking with my partner and she said to me you are a part of you are a part of the hockey team; you have so much more in relationship to the team than the drinking. She pointed out how everyone on my team has treated me since I stopped drinking and how they keep trying to include me.  It dawned on me – FEAR was keeping me from allowing myself to feel a part of.  I was afraid of what they thought of me, that they thought I wasn’t fun and various other things – this fear is what I saw the team with and all of our interactions.

I decided to look at my interactions with them in a different way as if they didn’t drink just to see if my vision was as distorted as I thought.  It was – omg it is amazing how powerful fear and the mind are.  I actually saw myself as not a part of and then acted in accordance with it.  My team made it to the championship game on Sunday and this was my last opportunity to feel a part of and accept the teams acceptance of me.  How would I do this? Simply, by being a part of a and acting as if I believe I was and not making separate making statements – talking hockey and friendship and all the things I love about my team.  I walked through the fear or at first saw through it and had a great time. I wasn’t rejected or shamed or anything – I was accepted in love.

As I write this -what comes to mind is Be the Change You want to See in Others – maybe that has more to do with our vision than their behavior. Peace and love my friends.

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