Utter Despair

I realize I may have been giving you all the impression that – IT – is as easy as breaking down crying and asking for help and boom a new you will rise from the ashes.  It isn’t that simple – tonight I was feeling utter despair – to me that means nothing but pain – that deep, all consuming pain I have written about many times – the kind that comes from the potential reality of my worst fear – I am alone and no one sees me.

I believe this feeling came upon me tonight so the universe could help me stay in touch with the feeling so I can have compassion for others and to keep reminding me how I deal with it so I write an accurate description of the pain and the resolution I have found to deal with it.

If you have been reading my blog then you know I used to drink, do drugs, harm myself and pretty much do anything to escape these feelings.  Today – I have different tools for dealing with the feelings of fear that lead to such terrible pain – I observe the fear and feel the pain, sadness or loneliness or whatever it is.

I  wrote about this same topic the other day – but tonight I realized there is a few things I didn’t share about myself – the first really is that I will always try to avoid feeling first – I am no expert – I don’t jump right in and yell “weeeeeeeee” as I fall of the emotional cliff.  OMG –  who wants to feel especially when it hurts.  I have to watch for anything I attempt to do to distract or avoid feelings- otherwise I will suppress them and pretend they don’t exist. I must confess – I did this as recent as tonight.

I was trying to push my feelings away and distract myself.  I wanted to cry but I kept telling myself I was entertaining fear and fear isn’t reality – so there is no need to cry. I was judging my feelings and determining if they were real enough or based on reality – a total no no thing to do.  Feelings are to be felt when they rise up – they are not to be judged.

However, when I finally stopped and started to allow it to rise to the surface – I was engulfed with pain – OMG it was awful.  I am sorry if I made it sound like a simple and casual event in past blogs – yuck it sucked and hurt.

I have to tell you though, I allowed it to rise and I cried and cried and asked for help to not be alone. I know I am not alone – the universe is full of energy and I am sure there is a spirit or two out there looking to support me.  It still hurts though, the pain or sadness rises up and I feel like my chest is cracking open and I can’t breath.  BUT – I allowed it up anyway – I didn’t stop it – because my friends I know if I can let it out it can’t own me and I will be fine. I trust that if I face these fears and walk through them – I will come out on the other side in love.  My experience tonight was no different. I hurt so much I now have that much more compassion for those who hurt.  I am blessed to have had this opportunity to once again practice walking through fear / pain and coming out on the other side of it.  You know I just want to be seen and I don’t want to be alone.  I have to trust that we aren’t alone in our pain and that it has a purpose.

Live in love my friends and keep walking through your fears ! We can do this together and we can raise the vibration of the universe out of fear into love.

 

Ego, My Fear’s Greatest Defender!

I don’t have a lot to say on this, who am I fooling I have a lot to say on everything.  However, I am going to keep this short because this is an area of my inner workings that I am just truly starting to understand; consequently, I am not certain it is the best to be writing about it just yet.  I may confuse the heck out of my readers and my self.  Anyway, I am going to try to keep it basic and short for all of our sakes.

As my followers have learned and as my new readers will begin to understand if you read enough of my blogs – I am a fearful person and my goal is as my blog states – to walk through fear into love.  I have learned that when I walk through my fears, I find myself filling up with self love and life is suddenly, must less painful.

I realized today that I have been observing my fear more instead of entertaining it as in the past. This has opened the door for me to notice when I don’t respond to the first line of fear my ego adds to the story to get me to respond to my fear.

I was told something today that would have brought about a serious amount of jealously and fear of loss in the past and today I just heard the words as words. I observed or noticed that this information was something that would bring about fear and jealousy but It didn’t. I didn’t engage, then suddenly, I observed the voice in my head try to twist what was said and add to it, as if to try to “up the ante” to get me to feed into and react to the fear. I didn’t react to the words so now my psyche – or lil s as I like to call it was trying to make me react.  I kid you not people – I didn’t engage I just observed and wouldn’t you know the voice in my head added more to it again.

It went like this – my partner tells me she wants to see a friend this morning – a day that is typically our day together. I heard the words and was ok with it.  No jealously, fear blip or anything.  Then the voice in my head said – she wants to spend time with someone other than you; you should be jealous of that. I didn’t react or have a blip because I was observing and then the voice in my head went to – it’s your special day and she would rather be with that other person and not with you.  I just laughed and it was at this point that I realized – wow – even my own ego/lil s or psyche – call it what you will doesn’t want me to change and let go of old fears.  I don’t react and it actually increases and changes the fear line that runs through my head (you all know – where I am going – homeless and alone – LOL).

I can’t believe how much I learned during this scenario this morning — literally when we change our behaviors,  the people in our life either like it or it makes them uncomfortable and they rage against it by trying to get us upset so we engage in our old behaviors – but I HAD NO IDEA our own minds did this.  I literally saw it trying to trick me — well what I realized is my psyche – lil s or ego really was trying to defend me or protect me- if there was any remote chance my partner was going to leave me or didn’t want to be with me – my ego wanted me to be aware – this is your major fear and you are getting a warning sign – why are you not heeding it.. ok I will make the damn sign bigger by adding to the story.  It seemed a little insane but at this point I became seriously intrigued by what was happening.

I can’t live in fear of what might happen as it will rob me of today and I can’t act on my fear today even if my ego pushes me toward it. I have learned over the years that when I act on my fears I make them come true.  If I fear abandonment – I either drive people away with crazy fearful clingy behavior or I cut them out of my life quick to be in charge of the where and when of the pain.  Not today folks.

I say no to my ego and yes to living in the moment and enjoying the fact that the people I care about have the ability to care about others and want to be with them. It is a beautiful thing. I will walk through the fear of observing my ego and not engaging in it upping the ante or creating bigger warning signs to try to get me to react.  I know this will allow me to enjoy today and live in love.

Peace my friends – I see you and you are amazing.

Peek-a-Boo!

I know how lonely it feels to not be seen and how it feels to be disconnected not only from the world but from yourself.  I can remember times in my life where suicide or cutting seemed like the only solution for me.  I was in so much pain emotionally that I could not see anyway out of it and each and every moment in an hour felt like a lifetime. I can remember lying in bed thinking ok – I just have to close my eyes and sleep for a bit and this pain will pass.  Convinced many hours had passed I would open my eyes and look at the clock and it wouldn’t even be ten minutes later.  OMG – I couldn’t imagine a lifetime of such pain and suffering never mind survive less than ten minutes.

What I didn’t know at the time was that what was making me so uncomfortable was my feelings. I didn’t even know that the uncomfortable pain in my heart and gosh its almost impossible to describe – the only thing I can truly say is the minutes would take forever to pass and the loneliness was unbearable.

I would cut myself to relieve some of the pressure inside.. I hurt so much emotionally the only thing that would give me relief was physical pain.  Another thing, that today sounds crazy to me, but let me tell you I wasn’t crazy I was in emotional pain and I had no idea how to get through it was the BS solutions (as I believed them to be back then) people would tell me to see a therapist and cry! Hello – you most caring but not so brilliant people — actually that is a little harsh I should say “caring and good hearted but not understanding the situation people”.  I couldn’t tell a therapist what was going on!!!! In most situations I didn’t know what was really going on myself or I couldn’t trust a therapist  or anyone for that matter to tell them anything.  Crying – well I was convinced crying would open the flood gates of something or several things that I  would never recover from.

I have to admit – crying was a good suggestion but the people suggesting it didn’t realize I was too afraid and that meant that wasn’t a possibility for me.  Today –  I am a crying machine– love it ! I get such relief from it.  Ok – so what, right? – I left out a lot in between how is anyone supposed to get relief with me writing “I couldn’t cry because of fear and today I can.” I don’t really think that is helpful.

I learned to cry because I stopped moving away from my pain and I had no choice.  I didn’t cut, I didn’t try to kill myself and I didn’t used drugs or alcohol long enough to have no choice but to collapse on the floor and cry.  When all options were removed from my mind as options and the pain returned – I had no choice but to cry.  I cried an entire day – I remember all of the feelings coming with this long cry – the most fearful one was that I was alone – not physically but emotionally and that no one would ever see me or know me.  I didn’t drink, use, or hurt myself in anyway when these feelings came up. I cried and I cried out to whatever was in the universe to help me.  I never believed in God but on this day I was asking the universe for help – call it what you will.  I don’t know if I got help from the universe or if I simply didn’t hurt myself because I was busy crying and asking for help from whatever.

I remember one very distinct thing about this turning point day for me was when I woke up the next day – I couldn’t believe I survived and I felt a little better.  I did share with someone my experience and they just witnessed it without judgment and allowed it to be mine without trying to fix it or explain it.

On that day – I was the most desperate ever and I fell to pieces but it was in that day that I found freedom.  I found freedom from acting on the pain and the uncomfortableness of me. I had a trusted confident it was either the universe, the spot on my bedroom floor where I cried, or just my own crying and observation of it without action (hurting myself) – call it what you want – I found it and I embraced it.  To this day when I feel helpless and overwhelmed with pain or confusion or pretty much anything off-kilterish (like to make up words) to me – I get on that spot on my bedroom floor and ask for help – and I get it. Don’t ask from what – I am not equipped to explain.

Ok -why am I rambling about this – I guess because today I am realizing how much serenity I have and how much suffering there still is in the world.  I see and feel it and I see and feel those suffering. I have love for those and I wish I could give them what I have found but I can’t so for now I can say – be brave and ask for help. It is the hardest thing in the world to do – usually because we think it makes us weak but really it is hard so it actually means we are stronger.

I know we can survive our pain and suffering if we just ask for help, trust that it will come and good gosh stay away from hurting ourselves long enough to allow something different to occur!

Peek-a-Boo I see you and I know you are lovable! You are loved as I was (even when I didn’t feel it).  Walk through the fear and ask for help and free yourself of your pain.  I don’t even have words to describe the peace, love and joy I have today – even when my pain rises to the surface.

 

I am not my emotions! 

It took me a long time to realize when I feel sad or fearful or angry I am not sad, fearful or angry. It might seem like a stupid distinction or simply symantics but I have discovered that isn’t the case. The distinction is very important. 

If I have feelings of sadness I can simultaneously have feelings of comfort and peace or love.  If I am sadness – I have become sadness and I am consumed. I have some sad stuff going on in my life right now. Or should I say situations that make me feel sad.  If I were to become sad as a result of these situations instead of feeling sad then my thoughts and actions would be consumed with the sadness and the event. When I feel sad I can observe the feeling allow it to rise up, cry and then let it flow through me and then make room for the events that bring me feelings of joy in my life.  

One other thing I was thinking about this is if I idnetify as and become each feeling I have I usually become imobile. So if there is an action I can take to relieve my feelings of sadness or anger (substitute any feeling) if I have become the feeling I am less likely to see or feel anything but that feeling. If I observe the feeling from a nuetral place in my mind I can now stay calm and function enough to arrive at possible solutions to situations that I may be able to change. Don’t get me wrong I know sometimes ( a lot of times)  we have no control over situations that cause us painful feelings. We can however, choose to feel the pain and allow ourselves the care we need to move forward. 

Feelings are so scary; actually scratch that feeling feelings is scary!!! Not just the feelings. I am so glad I can observe and feel my feelings today.  It has given me the freedom to have a full rich life and wonderful relationships in which I am able to enjoy all aspects and personalities of people. 

Be brave my friends and walk through the fear of feelings those feelings – they won’t consume you if you observe and feel and allow the healing to begin ! I have learned from experience there is an amazing personal / inside life waiting for you.  

I see you and you are loved! 

Pain 

Sometimes things hurt and you just have to sit through them. Ick what a terrible thought or knowing but seriously it is the only way through.  I listen to woman speak tonight about being the kind of mother my mother was and she spoke about how she hurt her children and herself.  She shared how much pain she had knowing all that she had done and she shared about how she was trying to be a loving mother today.  Yikes it ripped my heart out because my mom is dead and there is no chance for a repaired relationship or a normal loving relationship.  However, while my heart was ripping in half over the sadness of the loss of my mother and the loss of any possibility of a healed relationship – I had Gratitude! Lots of it for a friend who is able to be so honest and share such hard feelings and show me that I can love and understand  my mother and forgive her for the type of mom she was.  Her sharing also helps me to understand that my mom suffered too; that she probably didn’t just run havok through my life guilt and pain free! She suffered too!  I’m so grateful also that my friend shows such strength that walking through this sadness doesn’t seem so impossible because we do it together.  

Walking through my pain and sadness today so I can have understanding and freedom to love with an open heart.  Peace. 

Pain 

Sometimes things hurt and you just have to sit through them. Ick what a terrible thought or knowing but seriously it is the only way through.  I listen to woman speak tonight about being the kind of mother my mother was and she spoke about how she hurt her children and herself.  She shared how much pain she had knowing all that she had done and she shared about how she was trying to be a loving mother today.  Yikes it ripped my heart out becaus my mom is dead and there is no chance for a repaired relationship or a normal loving relationship.  However, while my heart was ripping in half over the sadness of the loss of my mother and the loss of any possibility of a healed relationship – I had Gratitude! Lots of it for a friend who is able to be so honest and share such hard feelings and show me that I can love and understand  my mother and forgive her for the type of mom she was.  Her sharing also helps me to understand that my mom suffered too; that she probably didn’t just run havok through my life guilt and pain free! She suffered too!  I’m so grateful also that my friend shows such strength that walking through this sadness doesn’t seem so impossible because we do it together.  

Walking through my pain and sadness today so I can have understanding and freedom to love with an open heart.  Peace. 

Why won’t you listen to me?????

Nothing breaks my heart more than watching someone I love suffer.  That is why when a loved one shares their pain with me, my default position is “fix it mode”.  Ugh – so wrong, usually they just want me to listen and I need to fix… you think its because I am loving and kind — NOPE its because I can’t tolerate how it feels to watch someone suffer.  I know that a person’s suffering is where they find growth and change.  I can’t change their pain or take it away from them without causing more harm – disempowerment. Trying to take away another’s pain is like saying – let me help you because you don’t know how to help yourself!

I especially can’t stand when a loved one is suffering because they think they aren’t good enough or that they will never be good enough.  It kills me because usually the people I know that feel this way are people who are AMAZING!!!  Ugh.. why won’t they listen to me?  Why don’t they hear it when I say they are amazing? Why don’t they believe it? Because my friends – no one can tell someone else how amazing they are and have it stick.  Sure it will feel good for a moment but the compliment will wash off.

I know what is needed its listening. I know the best thing to do is to tell my loved ones I am here for you, I am listening.  Oh – I can do this and it works great, then five minutes into the pain and oops fix it girl comes back again… I really need to work on this.

Today I am going to walk through the fear of experiencing my loved ones’ pain and allow them the opportunity to heal in love – Self Love!  I will work on allowing those I love to have their pain.  I will be present and listen.