I am not my emotions! 

It took me a long time to realize when I feel sad or fearful or angry I am not sad, fearful or angry. It might seem like a stupid distinction or simply symantics but I have discovered that isn’t the case. The distinction is very important. 

If I have feelings of sadness I can simultaneously have feelings of comfort and peace or love.  If I am sadness – I have become sadness and I am consumed. I have some sad stuff going on in my life right now. Or should I say situations that make me feel sad.  If I were to become sad as a result of these situations instead of feeling sad then my thoughts and actions would be consumed with the sadness and the event. When I feel sad I can observe the feeling allow it to rise up, cry and then let it flow through me and then make room for the events that bring me feelings of joy in my life.  

One other thing I was thinking about this is if I idnetify as and become each feeling I have I usually become imobile. So if there is an action I can take to relieve my feelings of sadness or anger (substitute any feeling) if I have become the feeling I am less likely to see or feel anything but that feeling. If I observe the feeling from a nuetral place in my mind I can now stay calm and function enough to arrive at possible solutions to situations that I may be able to change. Don’t get me wrong I know sometimes ( a lot of times)  we have no control over situations that cause us painful feelings. We can however, choose to feel the pain and allow ourselves the care we need to move forward. 

Feelings are so scary; actually scratch that feeling feelings is scary!!! Not just the feelings. I am so glad I can observe and feel my feelings today.  It has given me the freedom to have a full rich life and wonderful relationships in which I am able to enjoy all aspects and personalities of people. 

Be brave my friends and walk through the fear of feelings those feelings – they won’t consume you if you observe and feel and allow the healing to begin ! I have learned from experience there is an amazing personal / inside life waiting for you.  

I see you and you are loved! 

Pain 

Sometimes things hurt and you just have to sit through them. Ick what a terrible thought or knowing but seriously it is the only way through.  I listen to woman speak tonight about being the kind of mother my mother was and she spoke about how she hurt her children and herself.  She shared how much pain she had knowing all that she had done and she shared about how she was trying to be a loving mother today.  Yikes it ripped my heart out because my mom is dead and there is no chance for a repaired relationship or a normal loving relationship.  However, while my heart was ripping in half over the sadness of the loss of my mother and the loss of any possibility of a healed relationship – I had Gratitude! Lots of it for a friend who is able to be so honest and share such hard feelings and show me that I can love and understand  my mother and forgive her for the type of mom she was.  Her sharing also helps me to understand that my mom suffered too; that she probably didn’t just run havok through my life guilt and pain free! She suffered too!  I’m so grateful also that my friend shows such strength that walking through this sadness doesn’t seem so impossible because we do it together.  

Walking through my pain and sadness today so I can have understanding and freedom to love with an open heart.  Peace. 

Pain 

Sometimes things hurt and you just have to sit through them. Ick what a terrible thought or knowing but seriously it is the only way through.  I listen to woman speak tonight about being the kind of mother my mother was and she spoke about how she hurt her children and herself.  She shared how much pain she had knowing all that she had done and she shared about how she was trying to be a loving mother today.  Yikes it ripped my heart out becaus my mom is dead and there is no chance for a repaired relationship or a normal loving relationship.  However, while my heart was ripping in half over the sadness of the loss of my mother and the loss of any possibility of a healed relationship – I had Gratitude! Lots of it for a friend who is able to be so honest and share such hard feelings and show me that I can love and understand  my mother and forgive her for the type of mom she was.  Her sharing also helps me to understand that my mom suffered too; that she probably didn’t just run havok through my life guilt and pain free! She suffered too!  I’m so grateful also that my friend shows such strength that walking through this sadness doesn’t seem so impossible because we do it together.  

Walking through my pain and sadness today so I can have understanding and freedom to love with an open heart.  Peace. 

Why won’t you listen to me?????

Nothing breaks my heart more than watching someone I love suffer.  That is why when a loved one shares their pain with me, my default position is “fix it mode”.  Ugh – so wrong, usually they just want me to listen and I need to fix… you think its because I am loving and kind — NOPE its because I can’t tolerate how it feels to watch someone suffer.  I know that a person’s suffering is where they find growth and change.  I can’t change their pain or take it away from them without causing more harm – disempowerment. Trying to take away another’s pain is like saying – let me help you because you don’t know how to help yourself!

I especially can’t stand when a loved one is suffering because they think they aren’t good enough or that they will never be good enough.  It kills me because usually the people I know that feel this way are people who are AMAZING!!!  Ugh.. why won’t they listen to me?  Why don’t they hear it when I say they are amazing? Why don’t they believe it? Because my friends – no one can tell someone else how amazing they are and have it stick.  Sure it will feel good for a moment but the compliment will wash off.

I know what is needed its listening. I know the best thing to do is to tell my loved ones I am here for you, I am listening.  Oh – I can do this and it works great, then five minutes into the pain and oops fix it girl comes back again… I really need to work on this.

Today I am going to walk through the fear of experiencing my loved ones’ pain and allow them the opportunity to heal in love – Self Love!  I will work on allowing those I love to have their pain.  I will be present and listen.

Goodbye Friendship, Hello Loneliness!

The solutions that roll through my head are quite entertaining.  I was upset with something that a friend asked me and my immediate solution was “we can’t be friends anymore.” This friend has helped me navigate tough decisions, helped me see things I could not see about my own behavior and one blip and my solution is to end it all. FEAR – I felt hurt and I wanted to protect myself from it happening again.  Funny thing is this friend didn’t even know how I felt and with my solution she wasn’t going to get the the opportunity to hear it. 

I realized over the last year that this is what I always did.  What I find most amusing is why I choose this solution. It’s so I don’t have to tell the person I am hurt because I don’t want to hurt their feelings or risk losing them as a friend.  Crazy thinking !!! Obvously, if I end the friendship, I am both losing the friend and hurting them.   

What’s super strange about this old solution in this situation is I was dealing with a friend who appreciates the need to speak up and wants to work on things – so of all the people in my life she would be one of the easiest to talk to.  

Anyway I sat with it for a night and decided I loved my friend, she didn’t know how I felt and our friendship was worth taking a risk for.  What is the worst thing that could have happened? – she would be hurt and stop being my friend – clearly with my old solution I was willing to deal with that already so not so scrary. 

I asked my angels for help and made the call and Woah-  we talked like adults and the issue didn’t seem so big anymore. I didn’t lose a friend,  an important friend who provides me with a lot of guidance. We are probably closer now and each have a better understanding of boundaries and each other. 

I can’t say it’s easy but we must take risks and walk through fear to have love. The kind of love we want in our lives. If I never said anything and cut my friend out of my life, my world would become smaller and I would carry a resentment around. I could have not said anything not cut my friend out of my life. Then I would have a friendship without trust and what good is that. 

Anyway, today I chose me, my sanity, and my friendship over fear! It feels great! I feel empowered. 

I must say one of the keys to this situation being a success is the practice of Pause and Talking to another person.  Waiting to choose what to do and talking with my partner helped me better understand what I felt and that some of those feelings were intense because the situation kicked up against some of my past stuff.  It’s so much easier for me to walk through fear when I understand that current situation is also being charged by a lifetime of history.  

Today I will recognize where my past is dictating my feelings in the present and pause – then I’ll walk through the fear and chose me!  I know love is on the otherside.  I hope you do too!  

The Terrible Twos

Its so disturbing to realize I could still use a highchair at 49 years old.  I just hate that about myself; but, childhood crap kicks up sometimes and my solution – react childishly; well in my head. I have to exercise the PAUSE to make sure I don’t let it sneak out.

My experience with the highchair today went like this:

I have been encouraging my partner to make choices on her behalf even if she fears it will upset me.  As I have written before, we have to choose ourselves before we can fill up with self-love and be grounded enough to share ourselves in authentically with others.  So today what did my partner do — just that! She chose herself over my feelings.  Dang – walking through that rejection was much more difficult than doling out such advice.  Awesome thing about it was  – I did in fact appreciate what she was doing and was able to compliment her on making that choice as I know it was extremely difficult to do.  Ok – I know you are all reading this saying – “come on, get to the highchair part.”

Well – as much as I was proud – damn my feelings were hurt and I felt rejected.  I am so lucky I have done work in this area because my heart hurt and I wanted to shut her out for good (old behavior) but instead I protected my heart and allowed my self to build a little wall to console myself. However, I wanted to stomp my feet and throw a fit – hence the highchair.  Instead I blocked my heart – I knew I was feeling rejected and making it about me but I also knew this was wonderful growth for my partner and was pleased on that end. My other side was wondering why can’t she process her crap with me????? She doesn’t love me, I am not good enough, I am going to die alone… NOPE probably not!! I stopped my  noggin madness and bought her flowers. I was a little closed mouthed and short worded when she came home but I was able to tell her how happy I was she was taking care of herself but that I was cautious because of feeling rejected and hurt. I love her and I know she loves me and that is all there is.

I know we are ultimately responsible for our own happiness. It doesn’t matter that I want to be the one to take her pain away and make her happy – I can’t and when she chooses to process stuff and choose herself I know that is where she will learned self – love and grow and its not about me.  I had to do the same thing and have to continually do it.  Ugh.. why can’t we just fix our loved ones and have them fix us???

I am so grateful to have a life where self evaluation and growth are big part of it. Even if its scary and sometimes painful.  We are going to get hurt and we are going to be rejected by others but I won’t allow that to shut my heart off permanently and I hope you all don’t either.  Love is an amazing thing and its only possible if we open ourselves up in the most vulnerable way. I know my partner isn’t rejecting me – she is choosing herself and I know it is what we must do to have a self to share. So my friends – go forth and choose you !!! I won’t take it personal – for too long! : )

Today I will walk through the fear (once again) of keeping my heart open and loving even when my childhood fear of rejection, not being good enough and being unlovable are triggered.  Gosh it feels good to be alive and FEEL – yes feel and feel everything.

 

Feelings – quick run and hide! 

During my morning commute to work I was reflecting on my last couple of years and the process that I had gone through to become the “Me” that I am today and I was overwhelmed with gratitude for the gift of life. 

 I stepped off the T and I became overwhelmed with grief and sadness. I realized I was grieving the unhappy, lonely and what I would call tortured child I once was!  The amazing thing was I could walk down the street and feel this overwhelming sadness and cry and feel immense gratitude at the same time.  I have never been able to feel anything other than happiness (usually fake) and anger for 48 years.  It is amazing to feel very sad, cry and feel very calm at the same time.

In the past, I have always felt agitated and needed to escape almost immediately if I had any remote feeling or potential feeling that might be related to in any way to sadness. I was pretty sure I would die a horrible death if I felt it and I was pretty sure I would never stop crying if I allowed even one tear out.

Wow, what a difference today.  I came to a cross roads where I once again wanted to die from the internal emptiness and pain and the only two options where deal with the feelings I had buried for so long or kill myself. Forced to walk through the fear of feelings I guess. I felt and I didn’t die!  

Ok that said I missed a lot of work and I barely functioned while I was processing 48 years of feelings but I survived and today I’m no longer afraid to feel or cry.  I of course had help.  A couple of different types of help – a support person to talk to a friend so to speak and the universe. My friend suggested asking for help from a power greater than myself ( my feelings solution hadn’t worked so why not). Ya! not so easy. I thought this religious freak is trying to convert me. Nope, I learned she didn’t care what or who I was asking for help from so I agreed to and I asked a spoon for help. Lol – Spoon today is love the universe whatever but it wasn’t me and it wasn’t another human. It was like an imaginary friend!!!? Crazy 48 years old with an imaginary friend. Well I didn’t care I was in a state of I want to die type despair and now I had a friend that could always be there and didn’t judge me. I cried a lot to this imaginary friend and it was safe. Eventually, I became more comfortable crying in front of other people and allowing them to console me. I processed so much hurt and pain it was like a year of purging. Awesome!! 

I figured it was complete by now – nope – damn onion. 

I am now at a stage where I feel currently happy but I still am mourning the childhood I never had or the one I had. It makes me so sad to think of lil me being physically hurt or insulted by those adults that should have loved me. Funny, I was always able to feel so terrible for how my sisters were treated or how other children were treated but not me. It would have been an acknowledgement of my pain and once again I will say I would have died or been consumed with the pain. 

Yay for today !! I am so grateful that I can accept my sadness and share my abuse without feeling shame. I’m so grateful to those that helped me learn a new way of life that invovles taking emotional risk and allowed me to see that I can feel! 

Today I walk through the fear of feelings by allowing them to rise up in me, I allow myself to cry and I shared my pain with another person and my invisible friend.  Sound crazy ? Maybe, but for me today I’m free and I’m happy! I no longer have the crippling pain from the sadness that robbed me from the first 48 years of my life.  

If you are hurting alone please seek help there is freedom out there! Share your pain! You don’t have to walk through it alone.