Goodbye Friendship, Hello Loneliness!

The solutions that roll through my head are quite entertaining.  I was upset with something that a friend asked me and my immediate solution was “we can’t be friends anymore.” This friend has helped me navigate tough decisions, helped me see things I could not see about my own behavior and one blip and my solution is to end it all. FEAR – I felt hurt and I wanted to protect myself from it happening again.  Funny thing is this friend didn’t even know how I felt and with my solution she wasn’t going to get the the opportunity to hear it. 

I realized over the last year that this is what I always did.  What I find most amusing is why I choose this solution. It’s so I don’t have to tell the person I am hurt because I don’t want to hurt their feelings or risk losing them as a friend.  Crazy thinking !!! Obvously, if I end the friendship, I am both losing the friend and hurting them.   

What’s super strange about this old solution in this situation is I was dealing with a friend who appreciates the need to speak up and wants to work on things – so of all the people in my life she would be one of the easiest to talk to.  

Anyway I sat with it for a night and decided I loved my friend, she didn’t know how I felt and our friendship was worth taking a risk for.  What is the worst thing that could have happened? – she would be hurt and stop being my friend – clearly with my old solution I was willing to deal with that already so not so scrary. 

I asked my angels for help and made the call and Woah-  we talked like adults and the issue didn’t seem so big anymore. I didn’t lose a friend,  an important friend who provides me with a lot of guidance. We are probably closer now and each have a better understanding of boundaries and each other. 

I can’t say it’s easy but we must take risks and walk through fear to have love. The kind of love we want in our lives. If I never said anything and cut my friend out of my life, my world would become smaller and I would carry a resentment around. I could have not said anything not cut my friend out of my life. Then I would have a friendship without trust and what good is that. 

Anyway, today I chose me, my sanity, and my friendship over fear! It feels great! I feel empowered. 

I must say one of the keys to this situation being a success is the practice of Pause and Talking to another person.  Waiting to choose what to do and talking with my partner helped me better understand what I felt and that some of those feelings were intense because the situation kicked up against some of my past stuff.  It’s so much easier for me to walk through fear when I understand that current situation is also being charged by a lifetime of history.  

Today I will recognize where my past is dictating my feelings in the present and pause – then I’ll walk through the fear and chose me!  I know love is on the otherside.  I hope you do too!  

The Terrible Twos

Its so disturbing to realize I could still use a highchair at 49 years old.  I just hate that about myself; but, childhood crap kicks up sometimes and my solution – react childishly; well in my head. I have to exercise the PAUSE to make sure I don’t let it sneak out.

My experience with the highchair today went like this:

I have been encouraging my partner to make choices on her behalf even if she fears it will upset me.  As I have written before, we have to choose ourselves before we can fill up with self-love and be grounded enough to share ourselves in authentically with others.  So today what did my partner do — just that! She chose herself over my feelings.  Dang – walking through that rejection was much more difficult than doling out such advice.  Awesome thing about it was  – I did in fact appreciate what she was doing and was able to compliment her on making that choice as I know it was extremely difficult to do.  Ok – I know you are all reading this saying – “come on, get to the highchair part.”

Well – as much as I was proud – damn my feelings were hurt and I felt rejected.  I am so lucky I have done work in this area because my heart hurt and I wanted to shut her out for good (old behavior) but instead I protected my heart and allowed my self to build a little wall to console myself. However, I wanted to stomp my feet and throw a fit – hence the highchair.  Instead I blocked my heart – I knew I was feeling rejected and making it about me but I also knew this was wonderful growth for my partner and was pleased on that end. My other side was wondering why can’t she process her crap with me????? She doesn’t love me, I am not good enough, I am going to die alone… NOPE probably not!! I stopped my  noggin madness and bought her flowers. I was a little closed mouthed and short worded when she came home but I was able to tell her how happy I was she was taking care of herself but that I was cautious because of feeling rejected and hurt. I love her and I know she loves me and that is all there is.

I know we are ultimately responsible for our own happiness. It doesn’t matter that I want to be the one to take her pain away and make her happy – I can’t and when she chooses to process stuff and choose herself I know that is where she will learned self – love and grow and its not about me.  I had to do the same thing and have to continually do it.  Ugh.. why can’t we just fix our loved ones and have them fix us???

I am so grateful to have a life where self evaluation and growth are big part of it. Even if its scary and sometimes painful.  We are going to get hurt and we are going to be rejected by others but I won’t allow that to shut my heart off permanently and I hope you all don’t either.  Love is an amazing thing and its only possible if we open ourselves up in the most vulnerable way. I know my partner isn’t rejecting me – she is choosing herself and I know it is what we must do to have a self to share. So my friends – go forth and choose you !!! I won’t take it personal – for too long! : )

Today I will walk through the fear (once again) of keeping my heart open and loving even when my childhood fear of rejection, not being good enough and being unlovable are triggered.  Gosh it feels good to be alive and FEEL – yes feel and feel everything.

 

Feelings – quick run and hide! 

During my morning commute to work I was reflecting on my last couple of years and the process that I had gone through to become the “Me” that I am today and I was overwhelmed with gratitude for the gift of life. 

 I stepped off the T and I became overwhelmed with grief and sadness. I realized I was grieving the unhappy, lonely and what I would call tortured child I once was!  The amazing thing was I could walk down the street and feel this overwhelming sadness and cry and feel immense gratitude at the same time.  I have never been able to feel anything other than happiness (usually fake) and anger for 48 years.  It is amazing to feel very sad, cry and feel very calm at the same time.

In the past, I have always felt agitated and needed to escape almost immediately if I had any remote feeling or potential feeling that might be related to in any way to sadness. I was pretty sure I would die a horrible death if I felt it and I was pretty sure I would never stop crying if I allowed even one tear out.

Wow, what a difference today.  I came to a cross roads where I once again wanted to die from the internal emptiness and pain and the only two options where deal with the feelings I had buried for so long or kill myself. Forced to walk through the fear of feelings I guess. I felt and I didn’t die!  

Ok that said I missed a lot of work and I barely functioned while I was processing 48 years of feelings but I survived and today I’m no longer afraid to feel or cry.  I of course had help.  A couple of different types of help – a support person to talk to a friend so to speak and the universe. My friend suggested asking for help from a power greater than myself ( my feelings solution hadn’t worked so why not). Ya! not so easy. I thought this religious freak is trying to convert me. Nope, I learned she didn’t care what or who I was asking for help from so I agreed to and I asked a spoon for help. Lol – Spoon today is love the universe whatever but it wasn’t me and it wasn’t another human. It was like an imaginary friend!!!? Crazy 48 years old with an imaginary friend. Well I didn’t care I was in a state of I want to die type despair and now I had a friend that could always be there and didn’t judge me. I cried a lot to this imaginary friend and it was safe. Eventually, I became more comfortable crying in front of other people and allowing them to console me. I processed so much hurt and pain it was like a year of purging. Awesome!! 

I figured it was complete by now – nope – damn onion. 

I am now at a stage where I feel currently happy but I still am mourning the childhood I never had or the one I had. It makes me so sad to think of lil me being physically hurt or insulted by those adults that should have loved me. Funny, I was always able to feel so terrible for how my sisters were treated or how other children were treated but not me. It would have been an acknowledgement of my pain and once again I will say I would have died or been consumed with the pain. 

Yay for today !! I am so grateful that I can accept my sadness and share my abuse without feeling shame. I’m so grateful to those that helped me learn a new way of life that invovles taking emotional risk and allowed me to see that I can feel! 

Today I walk through the fear of feelings by allowing them to rise up in me, I allow myself to cry and I shared my pain with another person and my invisible friend.  Sound crazy ? Maybe, but for me today I’m free and I’m happy! I no longer have the crippling pain from the sadness that robbed me from the first 48 years of my life.  

If you are hurting alone please seek help there is freedom out there! Share your pain! You don’t have to walk through it alone. 

 

I just am… 

So refreshing to just be me and be ok with it. I don’t need to prove anything today (usually – lol). 

I had a inventory review at work today with my two bosses. In the past this type of review would be stressful for me because I would have closed cases like a mad woman all year in anticipation of this meeting. I had a need to be the number 1 closer of cases.  I still would be a mess before my meeting with the bosses as no matter how well I was doing It wouldn’t be enough for me to feel confident.  I’d still feel like I wasn’t good enough.  

 While I still close a good amount of cases – I don’t really need my bosses to pat me on the back to make me feel ok for a day and I certainly don’t have to be number 1.  I’m good if I did my job and worked well with others. Meaning I was kind to others. 

I’d be a liar if I said I never get caught up in the old behavior or faulty thinking that I’m only ok if I am the best, holding a recent award or hearing accolades for some achievement. I just have to bring it back to a lesson I learned last year – I’m ok !  I am ok just me as I am. So I try to be ME – the authentic me in all situations.  

I had asked my bosses if I needed to come prepared or bring anything to the review. They said no. Then I arrive and they start asking a million questions about my older cases – now keep in mind I can’t remember what is going on in all my cases because I have so many and I tend to remember tax issues not case names. Oh well. I just said I’m sorry I can’t recall what the case is about.  In years past, I would have had a million excuses about why a case wasn’t closed. Not today. I just said I haven’t completed it. I owned it. I said the case gets stale and I’m getting so many cases a day that are new and exciting so I do those. 

My bosses said ok well we are trying the get the office’s old case inventory done so we have better ratios for the  close case time report.  I asked when would you like them done – they looked shocked – I don’t think they were prepared and I said well I work better with a goal and they gave me a time frame and they said if you get stuck let us know. End of meeting. 

I walked away neither feeling bad nor good – it just was! It was in some ways awesome because I felt so comfortable just telling the truth and not making excuses. Excuses no one cares to hear because I’m closing well anyway.  It just is and I just am.  What a relief.  

I didn’t get overly praised as I had in past reviews and I didn’t get repremanded – It just was – how refreshing.  Its scary being me – if you read my blog “If you knew me…”  you know what I’m talking about. 

No parade for the super achiever today but peace of mind!  I’ll take that trade any day.  

Walking through the fear of just being me my friends. Self love it works! Just practice it and you’ll be amazed how you just might end up having it.  

Letting go!

Yikes – today I am in full I need to control – mode!!!! Grateful today that I know what that means – FEAR!!!!!! I am full of fear. Sometimes I go along through the day and even week with my spiritual self in full force.  I am trusting and relying in my path and all that crosses it. Today – not so much.

This morning it was like “BOOM” and suddenly my eyes opened up to how vulnerable my heart is.  Scary stuff my friends. The funny part is I know this and I have known and lived with this fear for so long – so why does my fear of lack of control feel like a new and sudden reality today? I don’t know – all I know is I can be going along trusting and relying and being authentic from the heart and suddenly something happens and I am so very aware of how fragile this 3d life is.  I don’t necessarily see this as a bad thing because it reminds me that life in 3d is short and that all I have is today to love and I should do it to the fullest in this very moment.

What was particularly cool about my fear of not being able to control “all that is” today was I recognized it as it happened – ok within minutes of it happening and I was able to let it go.  I still feel the reverberations or after shocks so to speak but I am able to move forward and smile at the recognition and use it to my advantage (love in this very moment).

I had an opportunity this morning to realize I had no legal standing in a situation to help someone (yes – if I hadn’t mentioned it previously – I am a lawyer) – so I think of such things sometimes even though they are not spiritual – to me at least.  Anyway – I digress ! So let’s see where was I – ok – I realized I had no legal standing to protect someone this am and I was riddle with fear!!!  Really – so I was 1) creating potential wreckage of the future – (nothing had happened to require this standing as of yet) and 2) I was fooling myself into thinking that even if I had legal standing that I could protect this person – FOOL !   I know truly – everything that happens happens for a reason -and usually the stuff I don’t want to happen happens to teach me something ! So really what control would I even have if I had legal standing – I would have a false sense of control and a false sense of security based on the power of me! If something were to happen to someone I love and I had the legal standing to do something about it  – the something already happened – what good is the legal standing?

I have to trust and rely that all that is meant to be happens and all that happens is meant to be and little old me isn’t going to stop it or fix it and stammering around in a place of fear will not change the lives of those I love or my own it will only rob them and myself of the present! I love the present – I can live and love a thousand lifetimes in the here and now.  Tonight sit back and really look into the eyes of someone you love for even a moment and I think you will understand what I mean.  I look in my loves eyes and a thousand lifetimes come through to me – I won’t let fear take that away from me today.

Live in love my friends!

 

 

Ego or Truth?

Sometimes I am so sure that I KNOW that I follow the KNOWing with or is “it my ego telling me that I know?”  Why is trusting in our intuition or our truth so complicated? Why can’t it just BE?

Once the doubt of the truth or knowing kicks in for me and I begin to question if its ego – I have developed a pathway or an avenue so to speak to determine is it truth or is it ego.  I sit back and feel – I listen to my heart and if it is truth I KNOW – I really know.  I know because I feel – Joy, Sadness, Happiness – you name it but I feel.  If its ego its fear and usually the response I get is cerebral. I may be sitting there trying to feel but instead I am thinking. Usually ego – my ego is a great manager of fear.  If I fear your opinion of me – I will either convince myself you are a loser and spend countless minutes picking apart everything you say and comparing you to me and of course ignoring all of my faults and thinking only on or about my past achievements (even if they involved cheating or bending the truth).  Ego is not a nice thing but it is very protective of my heart and while I appreciate its protection it keeps me isolated from others, without love and usually dissatisfied with myself, others and my life.

Some crazy stuff has happened to me lately or a better way to describe it is I have become aware of some crazy stuff  – or just stuff labeled crazy by me because it doesn’t fit or gel with the pre-awakened me.  I need to trust it as truth because I know it is truth – it isn’t the kind of stuff you share with others or at least the others I am typically surrounded by or they will truly think me to be crazy.  I will continue to walk through the fear of being the new me (the real me) and trusting in what comes to my heart because I know it to be true even if it isn’t mainstream.  I know there is love in truth and in my heart and all that I truly KNOW will set me free and allow me more strength to walk through new and improved fears.  Walking through it and living in love today!

My friends its a good day to be alive and its a good day to be me and you! Facing a fear of your own – trust your heart and listen to it. It will give you the strength and set you free.

On not being liked. 

I hate it when someone doesn’t like me or wants space from me.  What is that??? You know it’s seems it would make that situation a lot easier if my mind and heart would be like “ok, she doesn’t like me, then fine I’ll stay away from her or give her her space.”. Nope, doesn’t work like that my mind might say that but my heart is like why ????? And Oh man, I can’t cant get comfortable if someone doesn’t  like me. 

I had this situation recently and the woman wasn’t willing to even tell me why she was no longer talking to me. It nearly killed me until it didn’t. Lol. I kept putting myself in situations where she would be – I was trying to force an interaction. Kept bringing it up to mutual friends who at first said oh she isn’t upset with you, you know how she is she just stops communicating sometimes and then after a while it became hard for anyone to say that and now it’s been ten months without a peep or even  mentioning that she is mad at me to me. So strange to go from speaking everyday to not even a peep or saying hey you made me upset or hurt me. 

I spent the first month questioning why she wasn’t communicating and the second month after realizing it was me – going over all of our interactions trying to figure out what I did. And still no idea.  Oh sure I can speculate but honestly I can’t quite ever know. Nothing really big happened. At least that I know of. Oh well. Ok so the third month I spent agonizing over it – whatever it was – wanted to and almost did call her many times to say ” I don’t know what I did but I’m sorry” please please be my friend again. I didn’t do this though. The fourth month was me thinking omg she is probably telling everyone what I did and I can’t defend myself because I don’t know who knows nor do I know what I did. 

And then month 5 yay for month 5. I let it go. I had to ask for so much help but today in month 10 this is where I’m at. 

It’s her loss.  I know I didn’t hurt her on purpose (whatever I did).  I know I care about her still and I feel bad for her. She is harboring a hurt and anger and the person it’s directed to doesn’t even know. She has no desire or to much fear to talk about it.  I do not. I am ok. I miss her but today I have learned to let others dislike me.  I’ve written about this before and it isn’t easy to be disliked and its especially difficult to not have the opportunity to repair a friendship you didn’t know you ruined but it is ok. I have learned from this experience and I hope to remain open to repairing it if this person approaches me someday.  

I don’t have to chase people to make them like me and I don’t have to have everyone like me. I know in my heart that any interaction I had with this person or other friends that I meant well and that I loved them even if they don’t see it that way. I am ok and I’m willing to learn this lesson and sit through the silent treatment ( walking through the fear ) and wait it out and know I am ok. She and anyone else is entitled to their feelings and I am ok no matter what. I am not their feelings as I am not mine.  

Today I will let others have their feelings even if I don’t agree with them.   Sending them love and loving me even if they don’t. Peace.