Control Freak

I received a text last night saying my office at work was being moved. You would have thought the world was coming to an end or I was diagnosed with some horrible disease if you heard the thoughts that were running through my head.  I have to admit, I do believe that there is some cause for alarm when you are told your office is being moved – for example; what if I don’t have a window in this new office, what if the person in it before me had bad energy or was a horder and there were dust mites everywhere. Some serious concerns – but folks it did not warrant the 5 alarm fire reaction in my head.  For an instance after I read the text, I thought – OMG, what am I going to do? It kind of cracks me up now; but, the struggle is real. I have a hard time with not being in control of my space and PLANS! Plans are the death of me sometimes – I set them up, add some expectation and then boom something comes along and messes them all up. Like the devastation of an office move (mind you the move is only around the corner from where I am now – same building, same floor) – plans shifting can cause a major disruption to me emotionally.

I am working on changing the above mentioned tragedy reactions to things; but, before I can change my reaction I need to figure out what it is that is so upsetting or disturbing to me.  I know I didn’t have a lot of security as a kid; ok, none. So I sometimes think it is about that and wanting to control everything in my environment so I can be safe, maybe??  I really am not sure. I do know this – when I hear from someone other than my boss that my office is moving I feel like the whole world knows what is going to happen to me in my life and I am the last to find out and I get MAD.  I want to know and I want to know first! Ok – let’s be real, I want my boss to ask permission and when I consent I will then be happy – oh no; ok, well really only after I get the office I want.

Am I that set in my ways and controlling that I can’t deal with my office changing??? No, I don’t think it is about being set in my ways I think it is about — yup, you guessed it – FEAR!

I am afraid that I am not in control and; therefore, my needs won’t get met.  I find this funny now that I have written it out.. My needs have always been met since I have been an adult and what needs aren’t going to be met by having to move my office???? Not really sure; but, as I have mentioned before it is a slippery slope to jobless, homelessness and being alone. Ok – so I will have a nice new office with a view ! I can turn that information into a nightmare if you let me. Today I am going to choose not to. Its too easy to have fear and anger rolling around in my head for the next 5 months or so before I even move.  I will work on living in today and trusting that it will be ok. It is the best way I can walk through my fear of not being in control.  I am not in control of anything but my attitude toward that which happens – so any delusion I keep giving myself that I am in control is a joke anyway and thank goodness places like my work keep reminding of my lack of control.  Ah — trusting that all will be ok and the knowledge that I don’t have control is kind of a relief.. I can sit back and smile and let the change happen around me.. YIKES… ok it will be ok. I am walking through the fear.

 

Coming Out!!!!

I haven’t written for a while and if you have come to enjoy my blurbs/blogs whatever you want to call them – I am sorry for my absence. I just couldn’t write and I had a hard time understanding why!!!! Why a block now- I was just getting started, I have so much to say !! You know why FEAR!!! Fear has caused me to hide behind the true me in this blog and I didn’t even realize it. I wanted to write and be authentic and I haven’t been and every time I sat down to write I have held back because of fear of your opinion of me and of my opinion of myself.

My friends today I am coming out and I am letting go of fear and embracing who I am! I am a person who had an awakening! On February 24, 2017 – I sat in an Inn in Vermont and listened to my partner read a tarot card that was called Mystery and BOOM – in about 2 minutes total – I had a download of knowledge I had no business having.  I didn’t truly understand at the time what happened – my partner, who wasn’t my partner at the time said that I seemed to space out for a minute and then I came to and said “Whoa!”

Whoa is right !!!!! It was like I saw the beginning of light; life, spirit – LOVE.  I knew all! I can’t explain what that means but I did. I had knowing.  At the time I was a carnivore – I became vegetarian overnight! Or more truthfully in that instant! I felt the pain of all animals, the earth and all people! It was excruciating – but more painful – was knowing I was supposed to LOVE and not having a clue how that was supposed to manifest as a path! My career – tax attorney ! Ok – I am or was a competitive hockey playing lawyer that loved to eat meat! I looked at people who called themselves spiritual and thought of them as freaks! While I had some instances as a child with spirits and knowing – I shut that crazy train down!!!

OMG it is so freeing writing this… Just a little bit about me – I am an Empath w/ different gifts (like Knowing). My partner knows and a few other select people but I keep this close to my chest because I still start almost every sentence with – this is going to sound crazy but or dang I sound like a lunatic but …. You see shame – I don’t want to be different and deep down inside or maybe not so deep down inside I have fear of other peoples opinions.  I have born again christians in my family and I don’t want them to think I am worshiping the devil – you know some people believe that love is the devil – I guess and I have other family members that I am close to that I don’t want them to think I am born again or some kind of religious zealot.

FEAR damn it has ruled my life – not today baby I am stepping out of the spiritual closet. I don’t serve my purpose and my path by keeping my enormous capacity to love a secret. Boy do I love and boy does it hurt sometimes! Waking up an empath and being spiritual in an instant with no skills to ground or shield or have any understanding of what is happening to you is scary – never mind the fear regarding what others will think.  If someone told me a year ago they were an empath – I would have said ok keep your weird kind of crazy to yourself and I’d back away slowly.  Today I hope to find such people.  Thank goodness my partner is knowledgeable about this stuff as I would have checked myself into the looney bin (and I’ve been there before) without her assistance.  She has showed me understanding and supported me through this new journey of mine.

So I will write more about this another time – today it was just me walking through the fear of being different and embracing my new self! Or I should say more accurately my true self. It feels so good to have freed myself from this semi-secret. I hope if you have a secret self someday you will find the courage to walk through the fear and share it. I can’t tell you how amazing this feels.

I am an empath and I have knowing and I LOVE and I don’t care who knows!

 

Mighty Me …

Mighty Me to the rescue; most likely whether you like it or not! I have had one of those weeks where it I keep hearing bad news about friends or friend’s loved ones. Nothing kicks at my need to fix as much as hearing about the suffering of those that I care about. I want to take their pain away – it doesn’t  matter if it’s their  path to go through their current situation or if this is part of the master plan. I have decided that I am the Mighty Me and I need to fix it.   Oh so wrong but oh so hard to change. 

What is my fear in this situation ?? I’ll be honest I’m not entirely sure. Maybe it is the fact that none of us truly have control over anything or maybe I just fear the feelings of sadness I feel when someone I love is hurting. I really don’t know. I’m ok with that for now as long as I can recognize the need to fix and stop myself (maybe not always right away but eventually). 

 I am glad I know the ultimate thing is to be present and hold a space for my friends and show them love and kindness in their time of need.  

The most simple personal example of the difference between me holding space and loving a friend and me trying to fix happened earlier this week. 

A friend’s son overdosed and died. I wanted to say “at least his battle is over and he is in a better place” this is me trying to make her feel better (probably more likely make her want to punch me).  What I did say was “I am so sorry for your loss, I can’t imagine how you must feel!” IHonesty ! How refreshing!  I was glad I caught myself and spoke this way.  I acknowledged that I can’t know how she feels but I’m sorry for her loss.  She responded well – and thanked me for calling.  

If I responded in fear and my need to fix with “your son is in a better place” – I’d be lying – maybe he is maybe he isn’t but who the hell am I to decide or to shut her down ! I might as well say – you are not feeling the way you are supposed to be feeling – you should rejoice he is better off.  Mighty Me with all of the answers! I wish! 

I think I’d rather walk through the fear of leaving it as it and allowing my friend her pain. I can still give her a shoulder to lean on or a hand to hold. I don’t need to take her feelings away  with some trite line.  

Today I’m going to try to walk through the fear of the discomfort of allowing others to feel their pain! I’m going to leave Mighty Me out of it and bring just me ! I have found that is enough and usually more than expected.  

Live in love my friends and if you are suffering please know I care and I am sorry for your pain! 

Damn Onion

The damn onion – keeps on peeling and never seems to get to the center – kind of like a tootsie pop! You know – how many licks does it take? Ok – for those of you who are like what the hell is she writing about an onion and a tootsie pop for – let me clarify.  SELF – the damn layers of self, the layers of joy, the layers of pain, the layers of self-knowledge!

All the work on self – you would think that I would have gotten to the center of the onion – not quite.  I am fooled on occasion when I have gone through something or purged a past childhood pain. I think to myself – awe perhaps that was the last of it- I can now rise like a phoenix out of the ashes of my old self. 

 Then my partner says something or does something I have a strange feeling reaction and boom another layer of the self-discovery onion pops open and I have to look at me and my thinking and my motivations and my behavior. Damn I hate that!  Well actually I don’t hate it entirely, I just think sometimes it would be nice to get a break from self-discovery.  I used to say and sometimes still do “I wish I could be oblivious.”.  Truth is I don’t really want to be oblivious as I have learned to live truly live and enjoy life ups and downs. I enjoy the ups more, of course.  It is amazing to be a part of life. Actively feeling, being aware, learning and working on myself to be a better person, partner and family member.  

My partner and I are constantly bumping up against each other’s onion layers and learning so much about ourselves and each other. It is exhausting but rewarding!  We are really working on being honest and sincere in our relationship. Sounds like I’m crazy and it should be simple and a common occurrence in a relationship but it isn’t. Obviously, we want to be honest and sincere in our relationship but I mean –  HONEST.   The capital version of honest for me is sharing the scary truth of self not just not lying.

 I am a selfish, self seeking person who wants what I want and I want it to myself.  No sharing please and with my partner that means – attention, love, time,  you name it. I think it should be all mine and not for anyone else and my partner knows I feel this way and we laugh about it. Unless of course, I’m acting on those feelings then we aren’t laughing. No one is laughing. Scary jealous girl isn’t a pretty sight. 

 It really is all about fear – fear I won’t get enough attention, fear there isn’t enough love to go around, fear of being left out and also, the fear of sharing this stuff and not being loved because I’m viewed as insecure or weak!  

What I have found by sharing my true self (not my ideal self)  – I am not alone.  Everyone I have shared these fears with has told me they have the same or similar.  It’s so refreshing to not have to keep that part of myself hidden or to pretend I don’t feel something I feel or to feel shame for my feelings (ok well to be honest I still have shame at times).  I have a bit of a need to be my ideal self – I am a bit of a perfectionist. 

The key is to not ACT on these feelings when they pop up. I found the first step is recognizing the feelings and then the fears behind them and then sharing them without expectation or hightened emotion. I have discovered for me and others I have spoken to that all of these fears stem from past history – it can be recent events, childhood events or even past life events that are bumped up against and triggers the past fear.  The fear feels very real and maybe seem over the top for the current situation. 

 If the past event is under a layer of the onion that is not yet revealed – I tend to act on the triggered fear before I recognize it! I have no time to  process it without emotions being hightened! Then no one is laughing. 

Once I have a few minutes or a few days to process it I begin to understand my fear because the past event creaps up and out of the onion layer. Sometimes I don’t know the event from the past but I certainly can feel the feelings – past feelings feel really intense to me and very deep or ingrained.  Once I know the current situation triggered a past event I can usually recognize it going forward. Ugh, I hate those days when my past is triggered and I don’t realize it!  

 I’m pretty sure my onion is never ending and I don’t know how many licks it will take to get to the center of the tootsie pop but I’ll keep trying and keep sharing with others to lessen the power of the past. 

Today I will walk through the fear of facing my past, processing my past (usually means crying) and sharing my feelings with another person so I can live in love and be my ideal self more than not. I hope you join me.  The tears will end eventually and you will feel light and the past will lose it’s power over today! 

“So your thinking about yourself?”

It never fails that the answer to fear for me is to help others.  I wrote about this before in my blog about being of service to others, but it is such a recurring theme for me I am writing about it again (hopefully, with a different twist as not to bore you).  I was told by a friend once or twice that if I was feeling down or sorry for myself to call someone else and ask how their day was going or how they were in general and try – TRY not to bring my current problem into the conversation.  OMG – HARD!!! Even when I wasn’t upset about something I had and still have difficulty not bringing up ME (my favorite obsession evidently) or sharing a comparable story – Me too; me too! I recommend paying attention when talking to another and see if you listen fully or are you sharing your stuff right over the top of their share – did you acknowledge what they said… I fail at this time and time again.  I must say though, I am getting better at it – ok – commence patting me on the back!  Any way back to walking through fear !

This morning I was going to breakfast with a couple of friends and I was nervous because there had been some strained issues between us.  Stuff we had worked out but we had yet to hang out without others (buffers so to speak) and I was nervous about how I would feel, how they would feel – kind of ridiculous because things had really been ok between us – but seriously, when it came time to go I was overwhelmed with fear to the point of being shaky.  I talked to a friend and I told her how I was nervous to go to breakfast and showed her my shaking hands – I was standing there waiting for her to console me and tell me it was going to be ok and after a couple of seconds passed, my friend looked me straight in the eye and said – “so your thinking of yourself?” I’ve gotten so used to this type of response from this particular friend that I just hugged her and said thank you! Then she said – “try being of service at breakfast and see if you can be helpful your friends.”  My fear was gone; I was thinking of others.  When I say my fear was gone – I mean gone. I went to breakfast and had a great time.

I’m no open minded tolerant saint – if this was the first time I had heard this response I may have said – go to hell or something similar to my friend and stomped off angry that she didn’t console me or validate my feelings.  I was able to listen because I know from experience that if she validated my fear or consoled me, my fear would still be present.  It is amazing how this works.  Don’t believe me try it… next time you are down call someone else and say how is your day going and don’t talk about you! I bet you will feel better!

Sometimes walking through the fear is a lot easier if you just do it for someone else.  I wanted to go to breakfast but had fear; the minute I thought of being present and of help to my friends, I couldn’t wait to go and see what was going on in their lives.  Amazing and simple tool.  Today I will walk through my fear by being of service to another!

Self CareĀ 

I’m sure you are wondering “what the hell does self care have to do with walking through fear into love”! Well a lot actually.  I know this from my own experience, obviously.  Lol   A thousand times in my life I either could have used some rest or wanted to do something or even needed to do something for me but I didn’t because someone else’s crisis or need seemed more important at the time.

 Don’t I sound so selfless???? Do not be fooled my friends – what might look like selflessness on the surface may very well be me acting on my fear. 

 My fear that the person won’t like me, people will think I’m selfish or simply the fear of sitting with the feeling I get when someone else is experiencing a problem.  You see I’ve decided others problems are my business and surely I am the only who can fix them.  

Truth is I hate to sit in the uncomfortable feeling of someone else’s pain because I am so damn co-dependent.  I believe my comfort depends on my success at fixing all y’all’s messes. I am that powerful! Yeah, right until I get a huge resentment and hate everyone for taking all my time.  Hahaha, really as if it’s the other person’s fault! 

Today when I am asked to assist I say, “can I get back to you on that?”. I was taught this nifty tool by a friend. It allows me to step back from the situation and determine if I have a need to help or if I have the time and want to be of service to another. 

My knee jerk reaction was always YES!  I didn’t consider plans I may have had with others or just with myself. I jumped at yes and then I’d complain up until the moment about my busy crazy schedule and how I was doing this and that for everyone. So selfish. I couldn’t see this behavior until it was pointed out. So if this blog resonates with you and you are feeling stuck in the co-dependent rescue mode you can change.  

A few things I noticed when I changed this behavior by asking to get back to the person – 

It’s a surprise to the persons you have always rescued. 

You’ll feel really uncomfortable and want to call them almost immediately and say yes – even before you take the time to consider whether it is really something you want to and can do. So don’t call! 

You will start to feel a sense of empowerment and control and calm in your own life. 

Eventually it will become natural and you will start to feel as though you are entitled to say no or pause before the yes (because you are). 

You will start to enjoy helping when you can because you will feel it was the right choice for you not the Only choice and yes you have a choice!

The persons who regularly calls upon you for help and rescue will start to consider your plans and change from saying OMG I need a ride to such and such to something like this. If you have time or when you can fit it in your schedule could you give me a ride (they are starting to think of you and your schedule because you are).  

Not to mention – it’s modeling healthy behavior for those of our friends and family who do the same.  

I’m not going to lie in this blog or sugar coat things – it isn’t easy to do this stuff. A simple but very difficult example – 

My mom was an alcoholic ( she is no longer with us and she taught me so many life lessons- not necessarily the easy way but I love her for them all) and she had a knack of calling me at my dorm room drunk when I was having an exam the next day or had a huge paper to write. She would get me all upset telling me all kind of so stories about bad relationships and I would be so worried – then she’d turn on me and get nasty.  I would spend a ton of time on the phone with her because I wanted to be a good daughter but I’d get off the phone and be so upset and worried I couldn’t study or I’d have no time left to.

 One day I decided I was going answer the phone but only talk for a few minutes and then get off the phone so I didn’t ruin the whole night of studying. My mom talked for a few minutes and then started the drunk crying and after about 5 minutes of listening and consoling her I told her I had to go. She wouldn’t let me off the phone so I said Mom I’m going to hang up on the count of 3 (babysitting skill) we can say goodbye nicely or I’m just going to hang up.  I repeated this each time as I worked my way to 3 and then hung up. She was swearing at me at that point. I did it though and omg I thought I was going to die!!! Stomach ache (my signature signal of co-dependent self being triggered).  Ok so I didn’t get any homework or studying done because I spent all night trying not to call her back and worrying.  I called her in the morning to apologise and to hopefully tell a sober Mom I had a test and make excuses for my practice of self care. She didn’t even remember talking to me.  I continue to  do the same thing for a couple of years and about the 3rd call I got better and my stomach aches didn’t come anymore.   

I know it’s scary to say no or to pause but we can do this and we will be better for it. Healthier and more helpful because we are solid in self.

So my friends if you want to try it start with something small to help you gain mini successes before you tackle an emotionally charged situation. Well- who am I fooling they all are.  

So today I am going to continue to walk through this fear into a place of self love and care! Try it the results will astoud you – eventually. 

You will begin to help from a place of love because it will be your choice ! 

Dammit – I am not perfect!

I totally messed up something at work and yesterday I caught it.  I was sitting at my desk freaking out about it and I decided that I just had to own it and email my boss about it.  I sat at my desk trying to think of a good excuse to include in the email so she would see it wasn’t my fault. BS – It was my fault! Ok – so just it was my fault but I didn’t want my boss to find out I wasn’t perfect! I held my breath and just sent the email – no excuses attached.

 I was really concerned last night and this morning about what my bosses response was going to be. I just asked for help from spirit and trusted that what will be will be – I am better off just being honest instead of trying to cover it up.  Anyway – what could be so bad about her finding out I am not perfect!!! OMG – that could be bad!!!! LOL its crazy how I think sometimes – fear that I am not good enough and willing to lie or try to hide a mistake so my boss can believe that I am perfect! I bet she didn’t even think that before my mistake – but you know if I am not perfect it will ALL go to hell in a hand basket. I will lose my job and die homeless and alone – I’ve mentioned that before.

I don’t know why we sometimes have such difficulty admitting the obvious – We ARE human!!!! Gosh, I hate that! Ok – actually, I kind of love it. A friend of mine always says that she loves humanness. I think I am starting to. I know that really whether I am perfect or not at my job, my thoughts, and my actions its ok – I am ok, I will be ok and I like myself.  Today I like that I can walk through my fear of not being perfect and actually letting people know that by admitting I am wrong or made a mistake. I have also learned over the years that not many people respond positively to people who can’t admit they have faults… I just want you all to know I am full of faults – but a nice thing I like about myself is I am working on them – I am not perfect, I am a work in progress and I am ok with it.

My boss’s response was this – “OK, I am glad you caught it and thanks for letting me know” and then she wrote “thank you” when I sent her the fixed product. WHAT — thank gosh I didn’t spend all night awake in worry and fear and thank goodness I didn’t spend time hiding it or conjuring up an excuse. Simple and easy! Ok not so much-  fear bites! However,  walking through it does have its rewards.

Friends, today I will walk through the fear of admitting when I am wrong and try to correct my actions or behavior if necessary and I hope it makes others like yourselves feel more comfortable about it. We aren’t perfect but we are lovable just as we are.