Holiday Cheer!

Where is the holiday cheer? I was in the store the other day and a woman was buying a stuffed animal for a child. My friend didn’t realize she wasn’t done with the cashier and she asked the cashier a question.  When the energy in the entire country changed to GRRRRRRR! My friend quickly became aware that she had upset this woman.  My friend turned to her and apologized and stepped back to let the now very angry woman finish her transaction.  I have to say the entire interaction between my friend and the cashier took about 15 seconds and it was about 2 seconds before my friend apologized and stepped back.  This woman remained angry was cranky at the cashier the cashier was now cranky and the stuff animal was sufficiently fused with anger.

I should have set the tone better and explained that everyone in the store was wearing Santa hats and Christmas music was playing in the background and we were at Disney (the happiest place on earth). My friend and I were having a great time walking through Disney looking at all things Christmas, shopping and trading pins.  A smile planted on both our faces and spreading cheer;  not to the angry lady, I guess.

Where is the holiday cheer and where is the compassion and understanding for mistakes like my friend’s ? I do not know what was the problem that day for that woman but I know she did not seem to enjoy Christmas shopping – but why? Aren’t the holidays full of love and joy? No they aren’t. There could be many reasons this particular woman was in a bad mood – sick child, no money but the pressure to live up to a child’s expectation forced her to spend anyway, someone was angry with her for stopping at the store and spread the mood – who knows.  It could simply be what I think is an epidemic regarding holidays – EXPECTATIONS! We are fed all kinds of crap about holidays and how full of love and joy they are supposed to be that we put an ideal on them.  We plan and plan the perfect holiday!

I believe we sabotage ourselves in one of two ways – we plan to have the perfect holiday or we plan to have the worst holiday (the nightmare scene).  Either way we are trying to control that which is uncontrollable.

Expectation of this perfect holiday! There are way to many variables in our daily lives – people, places and things effect us daily and we have NO control over them.  You can plan yourself into the perfect holiday but if someone wakes up in a bad mood christmas morning or someone doesn’t show up or the stove breaks,  what can you do? NOTHING!

If your expectation of the holiday is misery – then you will get misery!

I have plans to spend my first holiday with my partner at her family’s home and spend Christmas with her husband and two adult children.  A week ago my ego spent a lot of time swinging between the ideal and the nightmare Christmas.  I thought I will be zen and this will be an amazing Christmas and then OMG it is going to be so uncomfortable its going to be the worst Christmas in my life.  First, let me point out – I have a practice in my life of trying to live in the moment – today is December 10 and last week was the first week of December and Christmas day is on the 25th – am I living in the moment ? No I am living several weeks ahead of myself.

I can’t determine what Christmas will bring but I know all of the  mental gymnastics I have gone through in my head regarding the holidays and Christmas are about FEAR! I am afraid I am not wanted, I am afraid I make others feel bad, I am afraid my presence will upset others, I am afraid everyone else will be so uncomfortable I will feel that and start acting weird, I am afraid my partner will feel sad, I am afraid her family will feel sad… OMG I could go on and on !

STOPPPPPP! That is pretty much what I said to my brain the other night at around 2 am.  I first must say – as for it being the worst Christmas ever, not a chance.  I have spent Christmas with drunk passed out parents, awake angry parents and with no family at all. One year (I was about 14 yrs) we didn’t have dinner because my mother threw the roast across the living room into the slider, my sister threw all her Christmas presents down the stairs and I left and went back to my foster parents house. That year was a doozy but not my worst.

What I have learned over the years of having traumatic holidays and some amazing holidays ! Is If have let go of expectation and just fill my heart with my own holiday cheer – not past holiday memories good or bad – but just fill my heart with love and cheer and get in the spirit myself – I usually have an amazing time.

I am glad that I know that I don’t know what any day will bring and that I know when I start trying to manage and control an outcome in the future that I am doing it because of fear of the unknown and my ego’s need to protect me from anything painful or even slightly uncomfortable.   So this Christmas I am going to show up with love in my heart and acceptance of others and of the day itself. I have no control and while that is very scary I know when I show up to be of service and with love in my heart my holiday will turn out to be an amazing experience.  I also know that when I plant expectations on an event I am limiting its endless possibilities by control and fear.

I am going to walk through the fear each day and bring love into it.  My friends I hope you can do this to. This holiday season lets truly live in love not in fear.  I bet we can open some amazing doors of joy and happiness for ourselves and others.

Loving without Being Right

I am writing about this because I finally had a successful experience – yay me! I have struggled with the following scenario my whole life.

If I am chatting with someone or I overhear someone say something I don’t agree with –  BOOM my mind has a long list of things that this person needs to hear – from me of course and of course because they are clueless and I am oh so full of clue that I need to inform them.  After all the knowledge I need to impart to them is truly for the good of man kind! Right? NOOOOO! Well, I know the answer to that is “No” but I used to believe it was my absolute duty to open my mouth!

So what happens when I impart my knowledge, “the truth” as I see it (today I know its my opinion) :)? What happens is I anger the other person and we begin to battle – a battle to prove which one of us is right and the anger and frustration rises to a level that no one is enjoying themselves – especially me and then I sit back and say – how did this happen – oh yeah that person is so stupid they can’t even see that I am right. I should let them calm down and bring it up another day after I figure out a more simplistic way to show them or to explain the truth. OMG how unloving and foolish – but so me for so long.

I am changed today – I love the person even if they don’t see things my way.  Hell months ago I didn’t see things my way. Why judge others.  I am happy to love each person as they are – don’t get me wrong people I don’t always and it wasn’t always this easy – I had to ask for a lot of patience and help to keep my mouth shut.

The process to change this was like this:  – first opening my mouth and realizing it was going poorly and then saying never mind – backing out before the total implosion; then after dong that for a while I was able to just basically feel the need to fix/correct/ or inform but I would bite my tongue off so I wouldn’t say anything – I would still walk away frustrated and want to snap – but I didn’t open my mouth and I felt good about that.

Today – I ask for an intention of love and acceptance and I have experienced the ability to not even feel frustrated with the other persons erroneous thinking (in my understanding lol) but I say that is their truth and I allow them to have it.

In order to change I had to understand that it was fear and my ego that needed everyone to have my opinions and beliefs – today I can walk through that fear and allow others to feel and think what they want without the need to impart my belief system so I can feel like I am ok.  Today I am ok!

My friends this experience has been so rewarding for me and certainly taking some very negative energy out of some of my relationships or interactions with people – it is amazing, I encourage you to try it.

Walk through the fear of not being right or others not knowing what you know and just allow those in your daily interactions be! You will begin to have more peace and you will see the love you have for them regardless of what they think or believe. You will begin to accept and be in a place of unconditional love.

Today I am going to continue to walk through the fear of not challenging another person’s belief system and hope to find myself in a place of love and acceptance. Join me.

Ego, My Fear’s Greatest Defender!

I don’t have a lot to say on this, who am I fooling I have a lot to say on everything.  However, I am going to keep this short because this is an area of my inner workings that I am just truly starting to understand; consequently, I am not certain it is the best to be writing about it just yet.  I may confuse the heck out of my readers and my self.  Anyway, I am going to try to keep it basic and short for all of our sakes.

As my followers have learned and as my new readers will begin to understand if you read enough of my blogs – I am a fearful person and my goal is as my blog states – to walk through fear into love.  I have learned that when I walk through my fears, I find myself filling up with self love and life is suddenly, must less painful.

I realized today that I have been observing my fear more instead of entertaining it as in the past. This has opened the door for me to notice when I don’t respond to the first line of fear my ego adds to the story to get me to respond to my fear.

I was told something today that would have brought about a serious amount of jealously and fear of loss in the past and today I just heard the words as words. I observed or noticed that this information was something that would bring about fear and jealousy but It didn’t. I didn’t engage, then suddenly, I observed the voice in my head try to twist what was said and add to it, as if to try to “up the ante” to get me to feed into and react to the fear. I didn’t react to the words so now my psyche – or lil s as I like to call it was trying to make me react.  I kid you not people – I didn’t engage I just observed and wouldn’t you know the voice in my head added more to it again.

It went like this – my partner tells me she wants to see a friend this morning – a day that is typically our day together. I heard the words and was ok with it.  No jealously, fear blip or anything.  Then the voice in my head said – she wants to spend time with someone other than you; you should be jealous of that. I didn’t react or have a blip because I was observing and then the voice in my head went to – it’s your special day and she would rather be with that other person and not with you.  I just laughed and it was at this point that I realized – wow – even my own ego/lil s or psyche – call it what you will doesn’t want me to change and let go of old fears.  I don’t react and it actually increases and changes the fear line that runs through my head (you all know – where I am going – homeless and alone – LOL).

I can’t believe how much I learned during this scenario this morning — literally when we change our behaviors,  the people in our life either like it or it makes them uncomfortable and they rage against it by trying to get us upset so we engage in our old behaviors – but I HAD NO IDEA our own minds did this.  I literally saw it trying to trick me — well what I realized is my psyche – lil s or ego really was trying to defend me or protect me- if there was any remote chance my partner was going to leave me or didn’t want to be with me – my ego wanted me to be aware – this is your major fear and you are getting a warning sign – why are you not heeding it.. ok I will make the damn sign bigger by adding to the story.  It seemed a little insane but at this point I became seriously intrigued by what was happening.

I can’t live in fear of what might happen as it will rob me of today and I can’t act on my fear today even if my ego pushes me toward it. I have learned over the years that when I act on my fears I make them come true.  If I fear abandonment – I either drive people away with crazy fearful clingy behavior or I cut them out of my life quick to be in charge of the where and when of the pain.  Not today folks.

I say no to my ego and yes to living in the moment and enjoying the fact that the people I care about have the ability to care about others and want to be with them. It is a beautiful thing. I will walk through the fear of observing my ego and not engaging in it upping the ante or creating bigger warning signs to try to get me to react.  I know this will allow me to enjoy today and live in love.

Peace my friends – I see you and you are amazing.

Why won’t you listen to me?????

Nothing breaks my heart more than watching someone I love suffer.  That is why when a loved one shares their pain with me, my default position is “fix it mode”.  Ugh – so wrong, usually they just want me to listen and I need to fix… you think its because I am loving and kind — NOPE its because I can’t tolerate how it feels to watch someone suffer.  I know that a person’s suffering is where they find growth and change.  I can’t change their pain or take it away from them without causing more harm – disempowerment. Trying to take away another’s pain is like saying – let me help you because you don’t know how to help yourself!

I especially can’t stand when a loved one is suffering because they think they aren’t good enough or that they will never be good enough.  It kills me because usually the people I know that feel this way are people who are AMAZING!!!  Ugh.. why won’t they listen to me?  Why don’t they hear it when I say they are amazing? Why don’t they believe it? Because my friends – no one can tell someone else how amazing they are and have it stick.  Sure it will feel good for a moment but the compliment will wash off.

I know what is needed its listening. I know the best thing to do is to tell my loved ones I am here for you, I am listening.  Oh – I can do this and it works great, then five minutes into the pain and oops fix it girl comes back again… I really need to work on this.

Today I am going to walk through the fear of experiencing my loved ones’ pain and allow them the opportunity to heal in love – Self Love!  I will work on allowing those I love to have their pain.  I will be present and listen.

The Terrible Twos

Its so disturbing to realize I could still use a highchair at 49 years old.  I just hate that about myself; but, childhood crap kicks up sometimes and my solution – react childishly; well in my head. I have to exercise the PAUSE to make sure I don’t let it sneak out.

My experience with the highchair today went like this:

I have been encouraging my partner to make choices on her behalf even if she fears it will upset me.  As I have written before, we have to choose ourselves before we can fill up with self-love and be grounded enough to share ourselves in authentically with others.  So today what did my partner do — just that! She chose herself over my feelings.  Dang – walking through that rejection was much more difficult than doling out such advice.  Awesome thing about it was  – I did in fact appreciate what she was doing and was able to compliment her on making that choice as I know it was extremely difficult to do.  Ok – I know you are all reading this saying – “come on, get to the highchair part.”

Well – as much as I was proud – damn my feelings were hurt and I felt rejected.  I am so lucky I have done work in this area because my heart hurt and I wanted to shut her out for good (old behavior) but instead I protected my heart and allowed my self to build a little wall to console myself. However, I wanted to stomp my feet and throw a fit – hence the highchair.  Instead I blocked my heart – I knew I was feeling rejected and making it about me but I also knew this was wonderful growth for my partner and was pleased on that end. My other side was wondering why can’t she process her crap with me????? She doesn’t love me, I am not good enough, I am going to die alone… NOPE probably not!! I stopped my  noggin madness and bought her flowers. I was a little closed mouthed and short worded when she came home but I was able to tell her how happy I was she was taking care of herself but that I was cautious because of feeling rejected and hurt. I love her and I know she loves me and that is all there is.

I know we are ultimately responsible for our own happiness. It doesn’t matter that I want to be the one to take her pain away and make her happy – I can’t and when she chooses to process stuff and choose herself I know that is where she will learned self – love and grow and its not about me.  I had to do the same thing and have to continually do it.  Ugh.. why can’t we just fix our loved ones and have them fix us???

I am so grateful to have a life where self evaluation and growth are big part of it. Even if its scary and sometimes painful.  We are going to get hurt and we are going to be rejected by others but I won’t allow that to shut my heart off permanently and I hope you all don’t either.  Love is an amazing thing and its only possible if we open ourselves up in the most vulnerable way. I know my partner isn’t rejecting me – she is choosing herself and I know it is what we must do to have a self to share. So my friends – go forth and choose you !!! I won’t take it personal – for too long! : )

Today I will walk through the fear (once again) of keeping my heart open and loving even when my childhood fear of rejection, not being good enough and being unlovable are triggered.  Gosh it feels good to be alive and FEEL – yes feel and feel everything.

 

Letting go!

Yikes – today I am in full I need to control – mode!!!! Grateful today that I know what that means – FEAR!!!!!! I am full of fear. Sometimes I go along through the day and even week with my spiritual self in full force.  I am trusting and relying in my path and all that crosses it. Today – not so much.

This morning it was like “BOOM” and suddenly my eyes opened up to how vulnerable my heart is.  Scary stuff my friends. The funny part is I know this and I have known and lived with this fear for so long – so why does my fear of lack of control feel like a new and sudden reality today? I don’t know – all I know is I can be going along trusting and relying and being authentic from the heart and suddenly something happens and I am so very aware of how fragile this 3d life is.  I don’t necessarily see this as a bad thing because it reminds me that life in 3d is short and that all I have is today to love and I should do it to the fullest in this very moment.

What was particularly cool about my fear of not being able to control “all that is” today was I recognized it as it happened – ok within minutes of it happening and I was able to let it go.  I still feel the reverberations or after shocks so to speak but I am able to move forward and smile at the recognition and use it to my advantage (love in this very moment).

I had an opportunity this morning to realize I had no legal standing in a situation to help someone (yes – if I hadn’t mentioned it previously – I am a lawyer) – so I think of such things sometimes even though they are not spiritual – to me at least.  Anyway – I digress ! So let’s see where was I – ok – I realized I had no legal standing to protect someone this am and I was riddle with fear!!!  Really – so I was 1) creating potential wreckage of the future – (nothing had happened to require this standing as of yet) and 2) I was fooling myself into thinking that even if I had legal standing that I could protect this person – FOOL !   I know truly – everything that happens happens for a reason -and usually the stuff I don’t want to happen happens to teach me something ! So really what control would I even have if I had legal standing – I would have a false sense of control and a false sense of security based on the power of me! If something were to happen to someone I love and I had the legal standing to do something about it  – the something already happened – what good is the legal standing?

I have to trust and rely that all that is meant to be happens and all that happens is meant to be and little old me isn’t going to stop it or fix it and stammering around in a place of fear will not change the lives of those I love or my own it will only rob them and myself of the present! I love the present – I can live and love a thousand lifetimes in the here and now.  Tonight sit back and really look into the eyes of someone you love for even a moment and I think you will understand what I mean.  I look in my loves eyes and a thousand lifetimes come through to me – I won’t let fear take that away from me today.

Live in love my friends!

 

 

Ego or Truth?

Sometimes I am so sure that I KNOW that I follow the KNOWing with or is “it my ego telling me that I know?”  Why is trusting in our intuition or our truth so complicated? Why can’t it just BE?

Once the doubt of the truth or knowing kicks in for me and I begin to question if its ego – I have developed a pathway or an avenue so to speak to determine is it truth or is it ego.  I sit back and feel – I listen to my heart and if it is truth I KNOW – I really know.  I know because I feel – Joy, Sadness, Happiness – you name it but I feel.  If its ego its fear and usually the response I get is cerebral. I may be sitting there trying to feel but instead I am thinking. Usually ego – my ego is a great manager of fear.  If I fear your opinion of me – I will either convince myself you are a loser and spend countless minutes picking apart everything you say and comparing you to me and of course ignoring all of my faults and thinking only on or about my past achievements (even if they involved cheating or bending the truth).  Ego is not a nice thing but it is very protective of my heart and while I appreciate its protection it keeps me isolated from others, without love and usually dissatisfied with myself, others and my life.

Some crazy stuff has happened to me lately or a better way to describe it is I have become aware of some crazy stuff  – or just stuff labeled crazy by me because it doesn’t fit or gel with the pre-awakened me.  I need to trust it as truth because I know it is truth – it isn’t the kind of stuff you share with others or at least the others I am typically surrounded by or they will truly think me to be crazy.  I will continue to walk through the fear of being the new me (the real me) and trusting in what comes to my heart because I know it to be true even if it isn’t mainstream.  I know there is love in truth and in my heart and all that I truly KNOW will set me free and allow me more strength to walk through new and improved fears.  Walking through it and living in love today!

My friends its a good day to be alive and its a good day to be me and you! Facing a fear of your own – trust your heart and listen to it. It will give you the strength and set you free.