Loving without Being Right

I am writing about this because I finally had a successful experience – yay me! I have struggled with the following scenario my whole life.

If I am chatting with someone or I overhear someone say something I don’t agree with –  BOOM my mind has a long list of things that this person needs to hear – from me of course and of course because they are clueless and I am oh so full of clue that I need to inform them.  After all the knowledge I need to impart to them is truly for the good of man kind! Right? NOOOOO! Well, I know the answer to that is “No” but I used to believe it was my absolute duty to open my mouth!

So what happens when I impart my knowledge, “the truth” as I see it (today I know its my opinion) :)? What happens is I anger the other person and we begin to battle – a battle to prove which one of us is right and the anger and frustration rises to a level that no one is enjoying themselves – especially me and then I sit back and say – how did this happen – oh yeah that person is so stupid they can’t even see that I am right. I should let them calm down and bring it up another day after I figure out a more simplistic way to show them or to explain the truth. OMG how unloving and foolish – but so me for so long.

I am changed today – I love the person even if they don’t see things my way.  Hell months ago I didn’t see things my way. Why judge others.  I am happy to love each person as they are – don’t get me wrong people I don’t always and it wasn’t always this easy – I had to ask for a lot of patience and help to keep my mouth shut.

The process to change this was like this:  – first opening my mouth and realizing it was going poorly and then saying never mind – backing out before the total implosion; then after dong that for a while I was able to just basically feel the need to fix/correct/ or inform but I would bite my tongue off so I wouldn’t say anything – I would still walk away frustrated and want to snap – but I didn’t open my mouth and I felt good about that.

Today – I ask for an intention of love and acceptance and I have experienced the ability to not even feel frustrated with the other persons erroneous thinking (in my understanding lol) but I say that is their truth and I allow them to have it.

In order to change I had to understand that it was fear and my ego that needed everyone to have my opinions and beliefs – today I can walk through that fear and allow others to feel and think what they want without the need to impart my belief system so I can feel like I am ok.  Today I am ok!

My friends this experience has been so rewarding for me and certainly taking some very negative energy out of some of my relationships or interactions with people – it is amazing, I encourage you to try it.

Walk through the fear of not being right or others not knowing what you know and just allow those in your daily interactions be! You will begin to have more peace and you will see the love you have for them regardless of what they think or believe. You will begin to accept and be in a place of unconditional love.

Today I am going to continue to walk through the fear of not challenging another person’s belief system and hope to find myself in a place of love and acceptance. Join me.

It’s the Little Things!

Hello Friends – Sorry but this blog will diverge just a touch from walking through fear to love – its simply about love and kindness.  Yesterday I was having a really rough day – I was exhausted from not sleeping the night before, emotional and of course I decided to not eat real food just have three 100 calorie shakes for the day. Mind you my decision to eat, actually drink 300 calories for the day came on the heals of my body being pretty comfortable consuming a couple thousand calories a day.  So talk about deprivation!!!!

Then the life lesson!!! Things didn’t go the way I planned and — I was ridiculously side swiped with disappointment and I was lost in WHY ME??? If you know anything about me – you probably realize I didn’t keep the gunk to myself– I spread it to my partner 🙂 ! She in a moment of brilliance and self preservation – told me she wasn’t going to take on my stuff and she would talk with me later.  Impressive!! Her ability to have self-care – stopped me dead in my tracks – my train wreck tracks… Shit I did it – I succeeded in spreading something other than love — DANG – I was not happy about this because I believe my true mission in this life is to spread love.  UGH ! Fail !!! Truth is I am human and I have to tell you I fail or fall short of perfection on spreading love 100% of the time each and every day! I don’t like that; but, if I am supposed to be spreading love then loving myself and my imperfection is part of the plan right! Ok – so I licked my wounds and regrouped and looked at my part in the complete life derailment – hahaha not really – these are simple problems.

Anyway, I had to sit with my discomfort and I am not a fan of that; so, I moped my way to the T and got on the train.  I was standing on the train filled with remorse and wanted to cry from exhaustion, hunger and sadness that I hurt my partner’s feelings.  Then suddenly, my world changed.  A nice young man looked up from his seat and asked it I wanted his seat.  WHAT ??? This kind of stuff is so powerful.  I thanked him and said no but that I appreciated his kindness.  This young man may have no clue how special I felt in that moment.  He saw me and he extended a kindness.  That simple gesture was all I needed to turn my day around – or – should I say my frown.  I share this story because the depth at which his kind gesture touched my heart was surprisingly impressive!

That young man changed my entire mood – from feeling sad and down on myself to joy and love.  I wish I had started my partner’s day out like that – perhaps my day wouldn’t have gone south so fast… but it was a lesson and a lesson is meant to be learned – next time – I hope I think of the young man and how my heart was lifted by him and choose to lift the heart of those around me instead of spread the dread.

Today I choose not to spread the dread but to take the risk to keep my heart open so I am capable of spreading love even when things don’t go the way I want them too.  Choosing love feels so good! Try it  🙂

Why won’t you listen to me?????

Nothing breaks my heart more than watching someone I love suffer.  That is why when a loved one shares their pain with me, my default position is “fix it mode”.  Ugh – so wrong, usually they just want me to listen and I need to fix… you think its because I am loving and kind — NOPE its because I can’t tolerate how it feels to watch someone suffer.  I know that a person’s suffering is where they find growth and change.  I can’t change their pain or take it away from them without causing more harm – disempowerment. Trying to take away another’s pain is like saying – let me help you because you don’t know how to help yourself!

I especially can’t stand when a loved one is suffering because they think they aren’t good enough or that they will never be good enough.  It kills me because usually the people I know that feel this way are people who are AMAZING!!!  Ugh.. why won’t they listen to me?  Why don’t they hear it when I say they are amazing? Why don’t they believe it? Because my friends – no one can tell someone else how amazing they are and have it stick.  Sure it will feel good for a moment but the compliment will wash off.

I know what is needed its listening. I know the best thing to do is to tell my loved ones I am here for you, I am listening.  Oh – I can do this and it works great, then five minutes into the pain and oops fix it girl comes back again… I really need to work on this.

Today I am going to walk through the fear of experiencing my loved ones’ pain and allow them the opportunity to heal in love – Self Love!  I will work on allowing those I love to have their pain.  I will be present and listen.

Goodbye Friendship, Hello Loneliness!

The solutions that roll through my head are quite entertaining.  I was upset with something that a friend asked me and my immediate solution was “we can’t be friends anymore.” This friend has helped me navigate tough decisions, helped me see things I could not see about my own behavior and one blip and my solution is to end it all. FEAR – I felt hurt and I wanted to protect myself from it happening again.  Funny thing is this friend didn’t even know how I felt and with my solution she wasn’t going to get the the opportunity to hear it. 

I realized over the last year that this is what I always did.  What I find most amusing is why I choose this solution. It’s so I don’t have to tell the person I am hurt because I don’t want to hurt their feelings or risk losing them as a friend.  Crazy thinking !!! Obvously, if I end the friendship, I am both losing the friend and hurting them.   

What’s super strange about this old solution in this situation is I was dealing with a friend who appreciates the need to speak up and wants to work on things – so of all the people in my life she would be one of the easiest to talk to.  

Anyway I sat with it for a night and decided I loved my friend, she didn’t know how I felt and our friendship was worth taking a risk for.  What is the worst thing that could have happened? – she would be hurt and stop being my friend – clearly with my old solution I was willing to deal with that already so not so scrary. 

I asked my angels for help and made the call and Woah-  we talked like adults and the issue didn’t seem so big anymore. I didn’t lose a friend,  an important friend who provides me with a lot of guidance. We are probably closer now and each have a better understanding of boundaries and each other. 

I can’t say it’s easy but we must take risks and walk through fear to have love. The kind of love we want in our lives. If I never said anything and cut my friend out of my life, my world would become smaller and I would carry a resentment around. I could have not said anything not cut my friend out of my life. Then I would have a friendship without trust and what good is that. 

Anyway, today I chose me, my sanity, and my friendship over fear! It feels great! I feel empowered. 

I must say one of the keys to this situation being a success is the practice of Pause and Talking to another person.  Waiting to choose what to do and talking with my partner helped me better understand what I felt and that some of those feelings were intense because the situation kicked up against some of my past stuff.  It’s so much easier for me to walk through fear when I understand that current situation is also being charged by a lifetime of history.  

Today I will recognize where my past is dictating my feelings in the present and pause – then I’ll walk through the fear and chose me!  I know love is on the otherside.  I hope you do too!  

The Terrible Twos

Its so disturbing to realize I could still use a highchair at 49 years old.  I just hate that about myself; but, childhood crap kicks up sometimes and my solution – react childishly; well in my head. I have to exercise the PAUSE to make sure I don’t let it sneak out.

My experience with the highchair today went like this:

I have been encouraging my partner to make choices on her behalf even if she fears it will upset me.  As I have written before, we have to choose ourselves before we can fill up with self-love and be grounded enough to share ourselves in authentically with others.  So today what did my partner do — just that! She chose herself over my feelings.  Dang – walking through that rejection was much more difficult than doling out such advice.  Awesome thing about it was  – I did in fact appreciate what she was doing and was able to compliment her on making that choice as I know it was extremely difficult to do.  Ok – I know you are all reading this saying – “come on, get to the highchair part.”

Well – as much as I was proud – damn my feelings were hurt and I felt rejected.  I am so lucky I have done work in this area because my heart hurt and I wanted to shut her out for good (old behavior) but instead I protected my heart and allowed my self to build a little wall to console myself. However, I wanted to stomp my feet and throw a fit – hence the highchair.  Instead I blocked my heart – I knew I was feeling rejected and making it about me but I also knew this was wonderful growth for my partner and was pleased on that end. My other side was wondering why can’t she process her crap with me????? She doesn’t love me, I am not good enough, I am going to die alone… NOPE probably not!! I stopped my  noggin madness and bought her flowers. I was a little closed mouthed and short worded when she came home but I was able to tell her how happy I was she was taking care of herself but that I was cautious because of feeling rejected and hurt. I love her and I know she loves me and that is all there is.

I know we are ultimately responsible for our own happiness. It doesn’t matter that I want to be the one to take her pain away and make her happy – I can’t and when she chooses to process stuff and choose herself I know that is where she will learned self – love and grow and its not about me.  I had to do the same thing and have to continually do it.  Ugh.. why can’t we just fix our loved ones and have them fix us???

I am so grateful to have a life where self evaluation and growth are big part of it. Even if its scary and sometimes painful.  We are going to get hurt and we are going to be rejected by others but I won’t allow that to shut my heart off permanently and I hope you all don’t either.  Love is an amazing thing and its only possible if we open ourselves up in the most vulnerable way. I know my partner isn’t rejecting me – she is choosing herself and I know it is what we must do to have a self to share. So my friends – go forth and choose you !!! I won’t take it personal – for too long! : )

Today I will walk through the fear (once again) of keeping my heart open and loving even when my childhood fear of rejection, not being good enough and being unlovable are triggered.  Gosh it feels good to be alive and FEEL – yes feel and feel everything.

 

Feelings – quick run and hide! 

During my morning commute to work I was reflecting on my last couple of years and the process that I had gone through to become the “Me” that I am today and I was overwhelmed with gratitude for the gift of life. 

 I stepped off the T and I became overwhelmed with grief and sadness. I realized I was grieving the unhappy, lonely and what I would call tortured child I once was!  The amazing thing was I could walk down the street and feel this overwhelming sadness and cry and feel immense gratitude at the same time.  I have never been able to feel anything other than happiness (usually fake) and anger for 48 years.  It is amazing to feel very sad, cry and feel very calm at the same time.

In the past, I have always felt agitated and needed to escape almost immediately if I had any remote feeling or potential feeling that might be related to in any way to sadness. I was pretty sure I would die a horrible death if I felt it and I was pretty sure I would never stop crying if I allowed even one tear out.

Wow, what a difference today.  I came to a cross roads where I once again wanted to die from the internal emptiness and pain and the only two options where deal with the feelings I had buried for so long or kill myself. Forced to walk through the fear of feelings I guess. I felt and I didn’t die!  

Ok that said I missed a lot of work and I barely functioned while I was processing 48 years of feelings but I survived and today I’m no longer afraid to feel or cry.  I of course had help.  A couple of different types of help – a support person to talk to a friend so to speak and the universe. My friend suggested asking for help from a power greater than myself ( my feelings solution hadn’t worked so why not). Ya! not so easy. I thought this religious freak is trying to convert me. Nope, I learned she didn’t care what or who I was asking for help from so I agreed to and I asked a spoon for help. Lol – Spoon today is love the universe whatever but it wasn’t me and it wasn’t another human. It was like an imaginary friend!!!? Crazy 48 years old with an imaginary friend. Well I didn’t care I was in a state of I want to die type despair and now I had a friend that could always be there and didn’t judge me. I cried a lot to this imaginary friend and it was safe. Eventually, I became more comfortable crying in front of other people and allowing them to console me. I processed so much hurt and pain it was like a year of purging. Awesome!! 

I figured it was complete by now – nope – damn onion. 

I am now at a stage where I feel currently happy but I still am mourning the childhood I never had or the one I had. It makes me so sad to think of lil me being physically hurt or insulted by those adults that should have loved me. Funny, I was always able to feel so terrible for how my sisters were treated or how other children were treated but not me. It would have been an acknowledgement of my pain and once again I will say I would have died or been consumed with the pain. 

Yay for today !! I am so grateful that I can accept my sadness and share my abuse without feeling shame. I’m so grateful to those that helped me learn a new way of life that invovles taking emotional risk and allowed me to see that I can feel! 

Today I walk through the fear of feelings by allowing them to rise up in me, I allow myself to cry and I shared my pain with another person and my invisible friend.  Sound crazy ? Maybe, but for me today I’m free and I’m happy! I no longer have the crippling pain from the sadness that robbed me from the first 48 years of my life.  

If you are hurting alone please seek help there is freedom out there! Share your pain! You don’t have to walk through it alone. 

 

Letting go!

Yikes – today I am in full I need to control – mode!!!! Grateful today that I know what that means – FEAR!!!!!! I am full of fear. Sometimes I go along through the day and even week with my spiritual self in full force.  I am trusting and relying in my path and all that crosses it. Today – not so much.

This morning it was like “BOOM” and suddenly my eyes opened up to how vulnerable my heart is.  Scary stuff my friends. The funny part is I know this and I have known and lived with this fear for so long – so why does my fear of lack of control feel like a new and sudden reality today? I don’t know – all I know is I can be going along trusting and relying and being authentic from the heart and suddenly something happens and I am so very aware of how fragile this 3d life is.  I don’t necessarily see this as a bad thing because it reminds me that life in 3d is short and that all I have is today to love and I should do it to the fullest in this very moment.

What was particularly cool about my fear of not being able to control “all that is” today was I recognized it as it happened – ok within minutes of it happening and I was able to let it go.  I still feel the reverberations or after shocks so to speak but I am able to move forward and smile at the recognition and use it to my advantage (love in this very moment).

I had an opportunity this morning to realize I had no legal standing in a situation to help someone (yes – if I hadn’t mentioned it previously – I am a lawyer) – so I think of such things sometimes even though they are not spiritual – to me at least.  Anyway – I digress ! So let’s see where was I – ok – I realized I had no legal standing to protect someone this am and I was riddle with fear!!!  Really – so I was 1) creating potential wreckage of the future – (nothing had happened to require this standing as of yet) and 2) I was fooling myself into thinking that even if I had legal standing that I could protect this person – FOOL !   I know truly – everything that happens happens for a reason -and usually the stuff I don’t want to happen happens to teach me something ! So really what control would I even have if I had legal standing – I would have a false sense of control and a false sense of security based on the power of me! If something were to happen to someone I love and I had the legal standing to do something about it  – the something already happened – what good is the legal standing?

I have to trust and rely that all that is meant to be happens and all that happens is meant to be and little old me isn’t going to stop it or fix it and stammering around in a place of fear will not change the lives of those I love or my own it will only rob them and myself of the present! I love the present – I can live and love a thousand lifetimes in the here and now.  Tonight sit back and really look into the eyes of someone you love for even a moment and I think you will understand what I mean.  I look in my loves eyes and a thousand lifetimes come through to me – I won’t let fear take that away from me today.

Live in love my friends!