Coming Out!!!!

I haven’t written for a while and if you have come to enjoy my blurbs/blogs whatever you want to call them – I am sorry for my absence. I just couldn’t write and I had a hard time understanding why!!!! Why a block now- I was just getting started, I have so much to say !! You know why FEAR!!! Fear has caused me to hide behind the true me in this blog and I didn’t even realize it. I wanted to write and be authentic and I haven’t been and every time I sat down to write I have held back because of fear of your opinion of me and of my opinion of myself.

My friends today I am coming out and I am letting go of fear and embracing who I am! I am a person who had an awakening! On February 24, 2017 – I sat in an Inn in Vermont and listened to my partner read a tarot card that was called Mystery and BOOM – in about 2 minutes total – I had a download of knowledge I had no business having.  I didn’t truly understand at the time what happened – my partner, who wasn’t my partner at the time said that I seemed to space out for a minute and then I came to and said “Whoa!”

Whoa is right !!!!! It was like I saw the beginning of light; life, spirit – LOVE.  I knew all! I can’t explain what that means but I did. I had knowing.  At the time I was a carnivore – I became vegetarian overnight! Or more truthfully in that instant! I felt the pain of all animals, the earth and all people! It was excruciating – but more painful – was knowing I was supposed to LOVE and not having a clue how that was supposed to manifest as a path! My career – tax attorney ! Ok – I am or was a competitive hockey playing lawyer that loved to eat meat! I looked at people who called themselves spiritual and thought of them as freaks! While I had some instances as a child with spirits and knowing – I shut that crazy train down!!!

OMG it is so freeing writing this… Just a little bit about me – I am an Empath w/ different gifts (like Knowing). My partner knows and a few other select people but I keep this close to my chest because I still start almost every sentence with – this is going to sound crazy but or dang I sound like a lunatic but …. You see shame – I don’t want to be different and deep down inside or maybe not so deep down inside I have fear of other peoples opinions.  I have born again christians in my family and I don’t want them to think I am worshiping the devil – you know some people believe that love is the devil – I guess and I have other family members that I am close to that I don’t want them to think I am born again or some kind of religious zealot.

FEAR damn it has ruled my life – not today baby I am stepping out of the spiritual closet. I don’t serve my purpose and my path by keeping my enormous capacity to love a secret. Boy do I love and boy does it hurt sometimes! Waking up an empath and being spiritual in an instant with no skills to ground or shield or have any understanding of what is happening to you is scary – never mind the fear regarding what others will think.  If someone told me a year ago they were an empath – I would have said ok keep your weird kind of crazy to yourself and I’d back away slowly.  Today I hope to find such people.  Thank goodness my partner is knowledgeable about this stuff as I would have checked myself into the looney bin (and I’ve been there before) without her assistance.  She has showed me understanding and supported me through this new journey of mine.

So I will write more about this another time – today it was just me walking through the fear of being different and embracing my new self! Or I should say more accurately my true self. It feels so good to have freed myself from this semi-secret. I hope if you have a secret self someday you will find the courage to walk through the fear and share it. I can’t tell you how amazing this feels.

I am an empath and I have knowing and I LOVE and I don’t care who knows!

 

OMG, You’re Home!

Oh, to love like a dog! If you have a dog you know what I mean. No matter how long you’ve been gone, no matter how well or unwell your last encounter with them was or whether you remembered to bring them a treat, they are just happy to see you.

Yesterday afternoon my partner text me and said I’m going to take you out to eat when you get home.  I wrote back “are you sure you want to do that? I know you don’t feel well and you have so much school work to do.” She didn’t respond and I went back to relaxing and trying to sleep during my commute home. I walked in the door excited to see my partner and she says “I made dinner.” I looked her straight in the face and said with an air of disappointment, “oh, I thought we were going out.”

Why did I say that? Not because I wanted to go out to eat but, because the “plan” had changed!

I know me and I do not like a change in plans! Even the most simplistic plans!  

If I were a dog I would have wagged my tail, ran in circles, rubbed up against her and then darted for the kitchen to eat! Oh, to love like a dog!

I know if I were a dog that is how I would have reacted because I wouldn’t care about the “plan” (probably wouldn’t remember the plan at first site of my loved one).  I would think to myself I have loved everything she has ever made in the kitchen and I would know she took the time away from her studying to create something healthy for me out of the love and kindness in her heart.  Ultimately, as a dog I would just love her unconditionally and be very happy to see her.

Instead of a tail wag – she as met with disappointment! A dog never greeted me at the door with disappointment!

I was so grateful she made dinner and it was delicious and the thought of going out was actually dreadful to me after a 16 hour day of being out of the house! Yet, I still met her with disappointment! It may sound crazy but I know for me a plan is security (even a plan I don’t want to execute) and this type of security is what I use to defend against my fear of the unknown!

I’m going to practice walking through the fear of the unknown and try to consider “plans” possibilities and not security blankets.  After all we don’t have control anyway ! Maybe next time I’ll greet her like a dog or at least with the love and appreciation she deserves!

Wag on my friends!