Holiday Cheer!

Where is the holiday cheer? I was in the store the other day and a woman was buying a stuffed animal for a child. My friend didn’t realize she wasn’t done with the cashier and she asked the cashier a question.  When the energy in the entire country changed to GRRRRRRR! My friend quickly became aware that she had upset this woman.  My friend turned to her and apologized and stepped back to let the now very angry woman finish her transaction.  I have to say the entire interaction between my friend and the cashier took about 15 seconds and it was about 2 seconds before my friend apologized and stepped back.  This woman remained angry was cranky at the cashier the cashier was now cranky and the stuff animal was sufficiently fused with anger.

I should have set the tone better and explained that everyone in the store was wearing Santa hats and Christmas music was playing in the background and we were at Disney (the happiest place on earth). My friend and I were having a great time walking through Disney looking at all things Christmas, shopping and trading pins.  A smile planted on both our faces and spreading cheer;  not to the angry lady, I guess.

Where is the holiday cheer and where is the compassion and understanding for mistakes like my friend’s ? I do not know what was the problem that day for that woman but I know she did not seem to enjoy Christmas shopping – but why? Aren’t the holidays full of love and joy? No they aren’t. There could be many reasons this particular woman was in a bad mood – sick child, no money but the pressure to live up to a child’s expectation forced her to spend anyway, someone was angry with her for stopping at the store and spread the mood – who knows.  It could simply be what I think is an epidemic regarding holidays – EXPECTATIONS! We are fed all kinds of crap about holidays and how full of love and joy they are supposed to be that we put an ideal on them.  We plan and plan the perfect holiday!

I believe we sabotage ourselves in one of two ways – we plan to have the perfect holiday or we plan to have the worst holiday (the nightmare scene).  Either way we are trying to control that which is uncontrollable.

Expectation of this perfect holiday! There are way to many variables in our daily lives – people, places and things effect us daily and we have NO control over them.  You can plan yourself into the perfect holiday but if someone wakes up in a bad mood christmas morning or someone doesn’t show up or the stove breaks,  what can you do? NOTHING!

If your expectation of the holiday is misery – then you will get misery!

I have plans to spend my first holiday with my partner at her family’s home and spend Christmas with her husband and two adult children.  A week ago my ego spent a lot of time swinging between the ideal and the nightmare Christmas.  I thought I will be zen and this will be an amazing Christmas and then OMG it is going to be so uncomfortable its going to be the worst Christmas in my life.  First, let me point out – I have a practice in my life of trying to live in the moment – today is December 10 and last week was the first week of December and Christmas day is on the 25th – am I living in the moment ? No I am living several weeks ahead of myself.

I can’t determine what Christmas will bring but I know all of the  mental gymnastics I have gone through in my head regarding the holidays and Christmas are about FEAR! I am afraid I am not wanted, I am afraid I make others feel bad, I am afraid my presence will upset others, I am afraid everyone else will be so uncomfortable I will feel that and start acting weird, I am afraid my partner will feel sad, I am afraid her family will feel sad… OMG I could go on and on !

STOPPPPPP! That is pretty much what I said to my brain the other night at around 2 am.  I first must say – as for it being the worst Christmas ever, not a chance.  I have spent Christmas with drunk passed out parents, awake angry parents and with no family at all. One year (I was about 14 yrs) we didn’t have dinner because my mother threw the roast across the living room into the slider, my sister threw all her Christmas presents down the stairs and I left and went back to my foster parents house. That year was a doozy but not my worst.

What I have learned over the years of having traumatic holidays and some amazing holidays ! Is If have let go of expectation and just fill my heart with my own holiday cheer – not past holiday memories good or bad – but just fill my heart with love and cheer and get in the spirit myself – I usually have an amazing time.

I am glad that I know that I don’t know what any day will bring and that I know when I start trying to manage and control an outcome in the future that I am doing it because of fear of the unknown and my ego’s need to protect me from anything painful or even slightly uncomfortable.   So this Christmas I am going to show up with love in my heart and acceptance of others and of the day itself. I have no control and while that is very scary I know when I show up to be of service and with love in my heart my holiday will turn out to be an amazing experience.  I also know that when I plant expectations on an event I am limiting its endless possibilities by control and fear.

I am going to walk through the fear each day and bring love into it.  My friends I hope you can do this to. This holiday season lets truly live in love not in fear.  I bet we can open some amazing doors of joy and happiness for ourselves and others.

Ego, My Fear’s Greatest Defender!

I don’t have a lot to say on this, who am I fooling I have a lot to say on everything.  However, I am going to keep this short because this is an area of my inner workings that I am just truly starting to understand; consequently, I am not certain it is the best to be writing about it just yet.  I may confuse the heck out of my readers and my self.  Anyway, I am going to try to keep it basic and short for all of our sakes.

As my followers have learned and as my new readers will begin to understand if you read enough of my blogs – I am a fearful person and my goal is as my blog states – to walk through fear into love.  I have learned that when I walk through my fears, I find myself filling up with self love and life is suddenly, must less painful.

I realized today that I have been observing my fear more instead of entertaining it as in the past. This has opened the door for me to notice when I don’t respond to the first line of fear my ego adds to the story to get me to respond to my fear.

I was told something today that would have brought about a serious amount of jealously and fear of loss in the past and today I just heard the words as words. I observed or noticed that this information was something that would bring about fear and jealousy but It didn’t. I didn’t engage, then suddenly, I observed the voice in my head try to twist what was said and add to it, as if to try to “up the ante” to get me to feed into and react to the fear. I didn’t react to the words so now my psyche – or lil s as I like to call it was trying to make me react.  I kid you not people – I didn’t engage I just observed and wouldn’t you know the voice in my head added more to it again.

It went like this – my partner tells me she wants to see a friend this morning – a day that is typically our day together. I heard the words and was ok with it.  No jealously, fear blip or anything.  Then the voice in my head said – she wants to spend time with someone other than you; you should be jealous of that. I didn’t react or have a blip because I was observing and then the voice in my head went to – it’s your special day and she would rather be with that other person and not with you.  I just laughed and it was at this point that I realized – wow – even my own ego/lil s or psyche – call it what you will doesn’t want me to change and let go of old fears.  I don’t react and it actually increases and changes the fear line that runs through my head (you all know – where I am going – homeless and alone – LOL).

I can’t believe how much I learned during this scenario this morning — literally when we change our behaviors,  the people in our life either like it or it makes them uncomfortable and they rage against it by trying to get us upset so we engage in our old behaviors – but I HAD NO IDEA our own minds did this.  I literally saw it trying to trick me — well what I realized is my psyche – lil s or ego really was trying to defend me or protect me- if there was any remote chance my partner was going to leave me or didn’t want to be with me – my ego wanted me to be aware – this is your major fear and you are getting a warning sign – why are you not heeding it.. ok I will make the damn sign bigger by adding to the story.  It seemed a little insane but at this point I became seriously intrigued by what was happening.

I can’t live in fear of what might happen as it will rob me of today and I can’t act on my fear today even if my ego pushes me toward it. I have learned over the years that when I act on my fears I make them come true.  If I fear abandonment – I either drive people away with crazy fearful clingy behavior or I cut them out of my life quick to be in charge of the where and when of the pain.  Not today folks.

I say no to my ego and yes to living in the moment and enjoying the fact that the people I care about have the ability to care about others and want to be with them. It is a beautiful thing. I will walk through the fear of observing my ego and not engaging in it upping the ante or creating bigger warning signs to try to get me to react.  I know this will allow me to enjoy today and live in love.

Peace my friends – I see you and you are amazing.

Peek-a-Boo!

I know how lonely it feels to not be seen and how it feels to be disconnected not only from the world but from yourself.  I can remember times in my life where suicide or cutting seemed like the only solution for me.  I was in so much pain emotionally that I could not see anyway out of it and each and every moment in an hour felt like a lifetime. I can remember lying in bed thinking ok – I just have to close my eyes and sleep for a bit and this pain will pass.  Convinced many hours had passed I would open my eyes and look at the clock and it wouldn’t even be ten minutes later.  OMG – I couldn’t imagine a lifetime of such pain and suffering never mind survive less than ten minutes.

What I didn’t know at the time was that what was making me so uncomfortable was my feelings. I didn’t even know that the uncomfortable pain in my heart and gosh its almost impossible to describe – the only thing I can truly say is the minutes would take forever to pass and the loneliness was unbearable.

I would cut myself to relieve some of the pressure inside.. I hurt so much emotionally the only thing that would give me relief was physical pain.  Another thing, that today sounds crazy to me, but let me tell you I wasn’t crazy I was in emotional pain and I had no idea how to get through it was the BS solutions (as I believed them to be back then) people would tell me to see a therapist and cry! Hello – you most caring but not so brilliant people — actually that is a little harsh I should say “caring and good hearted but not understanding the situation people”.  I couldn’t tell a therapist what was going on!!!! In most situations I didn’t know what was really going on myself or I couldn’t trust a therapist  or anyone for that matter to tell them anything.  Crying – well I was convinced crying would open the flood gates of something or several things that I  would never recover from.

I have to admit – crying was a good suggestion but the people suggesting it didn’t realize I was too afraid and that meant that wasn’t a possibility for me.  Today –  I am a crying machine– love it ! I get such relief from it.  Ok – so what, right? – I left out a lot in between how is anyone supposed to get relief with me writing “I couldn’t cry because of fear and today I can.” I don’t really think that is helpful.

I learned to cry because I stopped moving away from my pain and I had no choice.  I didn’t cut, I didn’t try to kill myself and I didn’t used drugs or alcohol long enough to have no choice but to collapse on the floor and cry.  When all options were removed from my mind as options and the pain returned – I had no choice but to cry.  I cried an entire day – I remember all of the feelings coming with this long cry – the most fearful one was that I was alone – not physically but emotionally and that no one would ever see me or know me.  I didn’t drink, use, or hurt myself in anyway when these feelings came up. I cried and I cried out to whatever was in the universe to help me.  I never believed in God but on this day I was asking the universe for help – call it what you will.  I don’t know if I got help from the universe or if I simply didn’t hurt myself because I was busy crying and asking for help from whatever.

I remember one very distinct thing about this turning point day for me was when I woke up the next day – I couldn’t believe I survived and I felt a little better.  I did share with someone my experience and they just witnessed it without judgment and allowed it to be mine without trying to fix it or explain it.

On that day – I was the most desperate ever and I fell to pieces but it was in that day that I found freedom.  I found freedom from acting on the pain and the uncomfortableness of me. I had a trusted confident it was either the universe, the spot on my bedroom floor where I cried, or just my own crying and observation of it without action (hurting myself) – call it what you want – I found it and I embraced it.  To this day when I feel helpless and overwhelmed with pain or confusion or pretty much anything off-kilterish (like to make up words) to me – I get on that spot on my bedroom floor and ask for help – and I get it. Don’t ask from what – I am not equipped to explain.

Ok -why am I rambling about this – I guess because today I am realizing how much serenity I have and how much suffering there still is in the world.  I see and feel it and I see and feel those suffering. I have love for those and I wish I could give them what I have found but I can’t so for now I can say – be brave and ask for help. It is the hardest thing in the world to do – usually because we think it makes us weak but really it is hard so it actually means we are stronger.

I know we can survive our pain and suffering if we just ask for help, trust that it will come and good gosh stay away from hurting ourselves long enough to allow something different to occur!

Peek-a-Boo I see you and I know you are lovable! You are loved as I was (even when I didn’t feel it).  Walk through the fear and ask for help and free yourself of your pain.  I don’t even have words to describe the peace, love and joy I have today – even when my pain rises to the surface.

 

Why won’t you listen to me?????

Nothing breaks my heart more than watching someone I love suffer.  That is why when a loved one shares their pain with me, my default position is “fix it mode”.  Ugh – so wrong, usually they just want me to listen and I need to fix… you think its because I am loving and kind — NOPE its because I can’t tolerate how it feels to watch someone suffer.  I know that a person’s suffering is where they find growth and change.  I can’t change their pain or take it away from them without causing more harm – disempowerment. Trying to take away another’s pain is like saying – let me help you because you don’t know how to help yourself!

I especially can’t stand when a loved one is suffering because they think they aren’t good enough or that they will never be good enough.  It kills me because usually the people I know that feel this way are people who are AMAZING!!!  Ugh.. why won’t they listen to me?  Why don’t they hear it when I say they are amazing? Why don’t they believe it? Because my friends – no one can tell someone else how amazing they are and have it stick.  Sure it will feel good for a moment but the compliment will wash off.

I know what is needed its listening. I know the best thing to do is to tell my loved ones I am here for you, I am listening.  Oh – I can do this and it works great, then five minutes into the pain and oops fix it girl comes back again… I really need to work on this.

Today I am going to walk through the fear of experiencing my loved ones’ pain and allow them the opportunity to heal in love – Self Love!  I will work on allowing those I love to have their pain.  I will be present and listen.

The Terrible Twos

Its so disturbing to realize I could still use a highchair at 49 years old.  I just hate that about myself; but, childhood crap kicks up sometimes and my solution – react childishly; well in my head. I have to exercise the PAUSE to make sure I don’t let it sneak out.

My experience with the highchair today went like this:

I have been encouraging my partner to make choices on her behalf even if she fears it will upset me.  As I have written before, we have to choose ourselves before we can fill up with self-love and be grounded enough to share ourselves in authentically with others.  So today what did my partner do — just that! She chose herself over my feelings.  Dang – walking through that rejection was much more difficult than doling out such advice.  Awesome thing about it was  – I did in fact appreciate what she was doing and was able to compliment her on making that choice as I know it was extremely difficult to do.  Ok – I know you are all reading this saying – “come on, get to the highchair part.”

Well – as much as I was proud – damn my feelings were hurt and I felt rejected.  I am so lucky I have done work in this area because my heart hurt and I wanted to shut her out for good (old behavior) but instead I protected my heart and allowed my self to build a little wall to console myself. However, I wanted to stomp my feet and throw a fit – hence the highchair.  Instead I blocked my heart – I knew I was feeling rejected and making it about me but I also knew this was wonderful growth for my partner and was pleased on that end. My other side was wondering why can’t she process her crap with me????? She doesn’t love me, I am not good enough, I am going to die alone… NOPE probably not!! I stopped my  noggin madness and bought her flowers. I was a little closed mouthed and short worded when she came home but I was able to tell her how happy I was she was taking care of herself but that I was cautious because of feeling rejected and hurt. I love her and I know she loves me and that is all there is.

I know we are ultimately responsible for our own happiness. It doesn’t matter that I want to be the one to take her pain away and make her happy – I can’t and when she chooses to process stuff and choose herself I know that is where she will learned self – love and grow and its not about me.  I had to do the same thing and have to continually do it.  Ugh.. why can’t we just fix our loved ones and have them fix us???

I am so grateful to have a life where self evaluation and growth are big part of it. Even if its scary and sometimes painful.  We are going to get hurt and we are going to be rejected by others but I won’t allow that to shut my heart off permanently and I hope you all don’t either.  Love is an amazing thing and its only possible if we open ourselves up in the most vulnerable way. I know my partner isn’t rejecting me – she is choosing herself and I know it is what we must do to have a self to share. So my friends – go forth and choose you !!! I won’t take it personal – for too long! : )

Today I will walk through the fear (once again) of keeping my heart open and loving even when my childhood fear of rejection, not being good enough and being unlovable are triggered.  Gosh it feels good to be alive and FEEL – yes feel and feel everything.

 

Feelings – quick run and hide! 

During my morning commute to work I was reflecting on my last couple of years and the process that I had gone through to become the “Me” that I am today and I was overwhelmed with gratitude for the gift of life. 

 I stepped off the T and I became overwhelmed with grief and sadness. I realized I was grieving the unhappy, lonely and what I would call tortured child I once was!  The amazing thing was I could walk down the street and feel this overwhelming sadness and cry and feel immense gratitude at the same time.  I have never been able to feel anything other than happiness (usually fake) and anger for 48 years.  It is amazing to feel very sad, cry and feel very calm at the same time.

In the past, I have always felt agitated and needed to escape almost immediately if I had any remote feeling or potential feeling that might be related to in any way to sadness. I was pretty sure I would die a horrible death if I felt it and I was pretty sure I would never stop crying if I allowed even one tear out.

Wow, what a difference today.  I came to a cross roads where I once again wanted to die from the internal emptiness and pain and the only two options where deal with the feelings I had buried for so long or kill myself. Forced to walk through the fear of feelings I guess. I felt and I didn’t die!  

Ok that said I missed a lot of work and I barely functioned while I was processing 48 years of feelings but I survived and today I’m no longer afraid to feel or cry.  I of course had help.  A couple of different types of help – a support person to talk to a friend so to speak and the universe. My friend suggested asking for help from a power greater than myself ( my feelings solution hadn’t worked so why not). Ya! not so easy. I thought this religious freak is trying to convert me. Nope, I learned she didn’t care what or who I was asking for help from so I agreed to and I asked a spoon for help. Lol – Spoon today is love the universe whatever but it wasn’t me and it wasn’t another human. It was like an imaginary friend!!!? Crazy 48 years old with an imaginary friend. Well I didn’t care I was in a state of I want to die type despair and now I had a friend that could always be there and didn’t judge me. I cried a lot to this imaginary friend and it was safe. Eventually, I became more comfortable crying in front of other people and allowing them to console me. I processed so much hurt and pain it was like a year of purging. Awesome!! 

I figured it was complete by now – nope – damn onion. 

I am now at a stage where I feel currently happy but I still am mourning the childhood I never had or the one I had. It makes me so sad to think of lil me being physically hurt or insulted by those adults that should have loved me. Funny, I was always able to feel so terrible for how my sisters were treated or how other children were treated but not me. It would have been an acknowledgement of my pain and once again I will say I would have died or been consumed with the pain. 

Yay for today !! I am so grateful that I can accept my sadness and share my abuse without feeling shame. I’m so grateful to those that helped me learn a new way of life that invovles taking emotional risk and allowed me to see that I can feel! 

Today I walk through the fear of feelings by allowing them to rise up in me, I allow myself to cry and I shared my pain with another person and my invisible friend.  Sound crazy ? Maybe, but for me today I’m free and I’m happy! I no longer have the crippling pain from the sadness that robbed me from the first 48 years of my life.  

If you are hurting alone please seek help there is freedom out there! Share your pain! You don’t have to walk through it alone. 

 

Letting go!

Yikes – today I am in full I need to control – mode!!!! Grateful today that I know what that means – FEAR!!!!!! I am full of fear. Sometimes I go along through the day and even week with my spiritual self in full force.  I am trusting and relying in my path and all that crosses it. Today – not so much.

This morning it was like “BOOM” and suddenly my eyes opened up to how vulnerable my heart is.  Scary stuff my friends. The funny part is I know this and I have known and lived with this fear for so long – so why does my fear of lack of control feel like a new and sudden reality today? I don’t know – all I know is I can be going along trusting and relying and being authentic from the heart and suddenly something happens and I am so very aware of how fragile this 3d life is.  I don’t necessarily see this as a bad thing because it reminds me that life in 3d is short and that all I have is today to love and I should do it to the fullest in this very moment.

What was particularly cool about my fear of not being able to control “all that is” today was I recognized it as it happened – ok within minutes of it happening and I was able to let it go.  I still feel the reverberations or after shocks so to speak but I am able to move forward and smile at the recognition and use it to my advantage (love in this very moment).

I had an opportunity this morning to realize I had no legal standing in a situation to help someone (yes – if I hadn’t mentioned it previously – I am a lawyer) – so I think of such things sometimes even though they are not spiritual – to me at least.  Anyway – I digress ! So let’s see where was I – ok – I realized I had no legal standing to protect someone this am and I was riddle with fear!!!  Really – so I was 1) creating potential wreckage of the future – (nothing had happened to require this standing as of yet) and 2) I was fooling myself into thinking that even if I had legal standing that I could protect this person – FOOL !   I know truly – everything that happens happens for a reason -and usually the stuff I don’t want to happen happens to teach me something ! So really what control would I even have if I had legal standing – I would have a false sense of control and a false sense of security based on the power of me! If something were to happen to someone I love and I had the legal standing to do something about it  – the something already happened – what good is the legal standing?

I have to trust and rely that all that is meant to be happens and all that happens is meant to be and little old me isn’t going to stop it or fix it and stammering around in a place of fear will not change the lives of those I love or my own it will only rob them and myself of the present! I love the present – I can live and love a thousand lifetimes in the here and now.  Tonight sit back and really look into the eyes of someone you love for even a moment and I think you will understand what I mean.  I look in my loves eyes and a thousand lifetimes come through to me – I won’t let fear take that away from me today.

Live in love my friends!