Ego or Truth?

Sometimes I am so sure that I KNOW that I follow the KNOWing with or is “it my ego telling me that I know?”  Why is trusting in our intuition or our truth so complicated? Why can’t it just BE?

Once the doubt of the truth or knowing kicks in for me and I begin to question if its ego – I have developed a pathway or an avenue so to speak to determine is it truth or is it ego.  I sit back and feel – I listen to my heart and if it is truth I KNOW – I really know.  I know because I feel – Joy, Sadness, Happiness – you name it but I feel.  If its ego its fear and usually the response I get is cerebral. I may be sitting there trying to feel but instead I am thinking. Usually ego – my ego is a great manager of fear.  If I fear your opinion of me – I will either convince myself you are a loser and spend countless minutes picking apart everything you say and comparing you to me and of course ignoring all of my faults and thinking only on or about my past achievements (even if they involved cheating or bending the truth).  Ego is not a nice thing but it is very protective of my heart and while I appreciate its protection it keeps me isolated from others, without love and usually dissatisfied with myself, others and my life.

Some crazy stuff has happened to me lately or a better way to describe it is I have become aware of some crazy stuff  – or just stuff labeled crazy by me because it doesn’t fit or gel with the pre-awakened me.  I need to trust it as truth because I know it is truth – it isn’t the kind of stuff you share with others or at least the others I am typically surrounded by or they will truly think me to be crazy.  I will continue to walk through the fear of being the new me (the real me) and trusting in what comes to my heart because I know it to be true even if it isn’t mainstream.  I know there is love in truth and in my heart and all that I truly KNOW will set me free and allow me more strength to walk through new and improved fears.  Walking through it and living in love today!

My friends its a good day to be alive and its a good day to be me and you! Facing a fear of your own – trust your heart and listen to it. It will give you the strength and set you free.

“So your thinking about yourself?”

It never fails that the answer to fear for me is to help others.  I wrote about this before in my blog about being of service to others, but it is such a recurring theme for me I am writing about it again (hopefully, with a different twist as not to bore you).  I was told by a friend once or twice that if I was feeling down or sorry for myself to call someone else and ask how their day was going or how they were in general and try – TRY not to bring my current problem into the conversation.  OMG – HARD!!! Even when I wasn’t upset about something I had and still have difficulty not bringing up ME (my favorite obsession evidently) or sharing a comparable story – Me too; me too! I recommend paying attention when talking to another and see if you listen fully or are you sharing your stuff right over the top of their share – did you acknowledge what they said… I fail at this time and time again.  I must say though, I am getting better at it – ok – commence patting me on the back!  Any way back to walking through fear !

This morning I was going to breakfast with a couple of friends and I was nervous because there had been some strained issues between us.  Stuff we had worked out but we had yet to hang out without others (buffers so to speak) and I was nervous about how I would feel, how they would feel – kind of ridiculous because things had really been ok between us – but seriously, when it came time to go I was overwhelmed with fear to the point of being shaky.  I talked to a friend and I told her how I was nervous to go to breakfast and showed her my shaking hands – I was standing there waiting for her to console me and tell me it was going to be ok and after a couple of seconds passed, my friend looked me straight in the eye and said – “so your thinking of yourself?” I’ve gotten so used to this type of response from this particular friend that I just hugged her and said thank you! Then she said – “try being of service at breakfast and see if you can be helpful your friends.”  My fear was gone; I was thinking of others.  When I say my fear was gone – I mean gone. I went to breakfast and had a great time.

I’m no open minded tolerant saint – if this was the first time I had heard this response I may have said – go to hell or something similar to my friend and stomped off angry that she didn’t console me or validate my feelings.  I was able to listen because I know from experience that if she validated my fear or consoled me, my fear would still be present.  It is amazing how this works.  Don’t believe me try it… next time you are down call someone else and say how is your day going and don’t talk about you! I bet you will feel better!

Sometimes walking through the fear is a lot easier if you just do it for someone else.  I wanted to go to breakfast but had fear; the minute I thought of being present and of help to my friends, I couldn’t wait to go and see what was going on in their lives.  Amazing and simple tool.  Today I will walk through my fear by being of service to another!

Saddling Up My High Horse

Nothing separates me from others faster than those moments when I saddle up my high horse and I start judging others from up on high! I’d like to lie and tell you how spiritually fit I am and how loving and kind I am all of  the time but I can’t do that as it wouldn’t be authentic. You see when I’m having a less than stellar day at being compassionate toward others I can still be authentic, truthful and forgiving of myself! Truth is I spent years judging others to make myself feel better so why do I expect the habit to just disappear because I’m working on living in love!  

I used to have really low self esteem and I felt so incompetent despite all the accolades and awards I was constantly earning. I feared people would find out I was a fraud and as a result of this fear I would point out how incompetent others were so people around me would focus on them and not me.  Most of the time I didn’t even know if the person was incompetent, I just said it.  It makes me feel sad today to think of doing that to someone. However, like I said earlier I still get up on that horse and judge others.  I am trying to stop myself when it does happen and look at what is going on for me because when I feel good I’m not judging others. Its usually a fear that creeps into my mind or heart and I try to combat it by proving to myself or others that I am better.  

I try to recognize my fears so that I don’t judge or hurt others to feel safe and secure. It’s all fake anyway – the only way to feel secure is to have self love and be a part of and as soon as I judge another I am separating myself from the human race and loneliness is sure to follow. 

So today I’m going to walk through my fear of being less than or not good enough by staying on the ground and not saddling up my high horse ! 

Next time I’m about to saddle up, I think I’ll pause and ask myself why do I feel the need to judge or criticize? And then tell myself  – I am good enough! 

My friends you are good enough too! You don’t need to put anyone else down to prove it. You are living proof. 

OMG, You’re Home!

Oh, to love like a dog! If you have a dog you know what I mean. No matter how long you’ve been gone, no matter how well or unwell your last encounter with them was or whether you remembered to bring them a treat, they are just happy to see you.

Yesterday afternoon my partner text me and said I’m going to take you out to eat when you get home.  I wrote back “are you sure you want to do that? I know you don’t feel well and you have so much school work to do.” She didn’t respond and I went back to relaxing and trying to sleep during my commute home. I walked in the door excited to see my partner and she says “I made dinner.” I looked her straight in the face and said with an air of disappointment, “oh, I thought we were going out.”

Why did I say that? Not because I wanted to go out to eat but, because the “plan” had changed!

I know me and I do not like a change in plans! Even the most simplistic plans!  

If I were a dog I would have wagged my tail, ran in circles, rubbed up against her and then darted for the kitchen to eat! Oh, to love like a dog!

I know if I were a dog that is how I would have reacted because I wouldn’t care about the “plan” (probably wouldn’t remember the plan at first site of my loved one).  I would think to myself I have loved everything she has ever made in the kitchen and I would know she took the time away from her studying to create something healthy for me out of the love and kindness in her heart.  Ultimately, as a dog I would just love her unconditionally and be very happy to see her.

Instead of a tail wag – she as met with disappointment! A dog never greeted me at the door with disappointment!

I was so grateful she made dinner and it was delicious and the thought of going out was actually dreadful to me after a 16 hour day of being out of the house! Yet, I still met her with disappointment! It may sound crazy but I know for me a plan is security (even a plan I don’t want to execute) and this type of security is what I use to defend against my fear of the unknown!

I’m going to practice walking through the fear of the unknown and try to consider “plans” possibilities and not security blankets.  After all we don’t have control anyway ! Maybe next time I’ll greet her like a dog or at least with the love and appreciation she deserves!

Wag on my friends! 

Changing w/ out Permission

I am currently walking through some fear – ok you do realize I don’t literally walk through the fear, right? It just means I am acting when I fear the action or I am not acting when I fear the lack of action.  What??? Yeah, I am not sure that was too clear.  This is what I mean, if I fear calling someone to tell them something difficult, I make the call anyway.  Once I have made the call, if the person doesn’t respond well to what I say, I don’t call them and take it all back out of fear of losing the person.  So you see action when I fear the action and no action when I fear the lack of action. Ultimately, avoiding my fear by acting or not acting doesn’t usually bode well.  In both cases I am denying myself – MY TRUTH.

So like I said in the beginning I am walking through some fear these days. I find that I have changed but many people in my life haven’t and they are not accustomed to my new way of doing things.  I didn’t think it would be so hard for people to understand the idea of self-care.  I guess I shouldn’t be so surprised since it is so foreign to many people.

I have made choices for me over the last year and much of my family, some friends and even some co-workers believe that my choices were about them and they haven’t responded well.  The difficulty is how hard its been for me to understand why some of my closest loved ones can’t see how different I am.  They only see that I am causing them hurt by not being my old self; someone who just bends over backwards for anyone regardless of my own needs.  The thing is when I acted like that I didn’t do those things out of love and kindness; I did them out of fear of loss.

Today I don’t fear the loss; well that is a bit of a lie. I fear loss and sometimes feel lonely because my loved ones don’t see me; the real me, the authentic me that I am becoming.  They don’t see how happy I am.  It hurts because for the first time in my life I have the ability to love my family and friends but they are unable to even recognize that about me.  Oh well – not trying to be on a pity pot – I hate that behavior !!! I just want to point out – that I am walking through fear because I want to run toward those that are shutting me out and explain myself and defend my actions; but, I know that is my fear talking and me trying to manage a situation I truly can’t control.  So I will walk through this fear and sit and not act and have faith that it will all work out.  I will act by continuing to be my authentic self. True to me!

If you are struggling with something similar stay strong my friend and walk through your fear – hell we can walk through it together!

On Loving

When it comes to loving another, one is presented with a ton of opportunities to walk through fear.  This may sound crazy but I examine my thoughts and my feelings through two versions of myself; Little s and Big S.  Little s is the 3d self, the work in progress that still responds to situations based on my past experiences and fear. Big S is the self I want to be; my aspiration.  Big S responds to situations with love.

I guess the best way to explain them is to give you an example:

My love wants to go to school and follow her path to do what she knows she was meant to do.  Little s’ response to this is if she goes to school she’ll meet new people, learn new things and won’t want to be with me anymore. Big S’ response to the same situation – I am so glad she wants to go to school and follow her path. I wonder what I can do to support her (I love Big S, just saying).  You see fear and self centeredness from Little s and love and selflessness from Big S.

So in each and every situation I am faced with in my relationships I TRY to walk through the Little s fear and act on the Big S love. Walking through Little s’ fear sometimes means asking for help to have it removed, sharing the fear with another person (sometimes this helps me see how ridiculous the fear is) and then acting as if my only response was that of Big S’.  I do this because I want to love unconditionally and that means supporting the person I love in what they feel is best for them; even if – OMG I can’t believe I am going to write this down, even if it means supporting them in leaving me.

If we aren’t willing to walk through fear to show our true selves to our loved ones or we aren’t willing to walk through the fear to support them in their path, our relationships will either carry on based in fear or they will die.   Either way – the fear of losing our love manifests. 

So , I will continue to walk through the Little s fear and respond with Big S love. Try it – I bet you will begin to witness both yourself and your partner grow and  you will begin to enjoy life in a whole new vulnerable way – a rich way!

 

Choosing me…

“If you knew me…” was the way I walked through the fear of sharing my true self and coming into a place of self love but it fails to mention a key thing about how I learned to love myself and to feel worthy.  I did this by choosing me.  It isn’t easy and often feels selfish.  However, if you are anything like I used to be – you choose to do what everyone else wants to keep them happy.  Just like our spouses or friends need to feel that sometimes we put them first or we are willing to choose them or support them in time of need – SELF needs this too.  If we constantly choose to do things we don’t want to do because we don’t want to upset another or we “think” the other will crumble if we say no (often a bunch of hogwash – they will probably thrive) we are denying ourself love.  Sounds crazy but we have choices about what we want to do. Ok I may be a little slow but it took me 48 years to figure that out and let me tell you I didn’t learn it on my own.

My first memory of choosing me went like this – I was sitting on a bench at the beach with a friend and I was complaining about how my partner wanted to go to a party and I really didn’t want to go. I was trying not to drink and I knew there would be a ton of drinking at the party.  My friend told me that I didn’t have to go if I didn’t want to. I was shocked and I think I said something to the effect that my partner wanted me to go and she said you still don’t have to go you can choose you.  I was excited at the prospect of not having to go for about 30 seconds and then BOOM stomach ache— omg I am going to let my partner down and there will probably be a disagreement.  I went back and forth for hours and days and I finally told my partner I wasn’t going to go. It didn’t go over well and I wanted to throw up for days – BUT — I noticed something a little different underneath the angst and potential vomit. I wasn’t sure what it was at the time but after choosing me many times with many people the angst started to shrink and that underlying feeling started to get bigger. What I didn’t know at the time was that I was practicing self love and that underlying feeling was me learning to take care of myself and moving from a place of needing others approval to loving me.  I don’t believe I ever felt loved before because I hadn’t been choosing me and in turn loving me! I then could recognize what if felt like.

Today I walk through the fear of choosing me and I hope you will give it a try. I believe you will be amazed (once you get over the stomach ache).